


The One With The Group Chat

by neversaydie



Series: How To Survive College (with a little help from your friends) [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Chatting & Messaging, Christmas, Drinking, F/F, F/M, Genderqueer Bucky Barnes, Humor, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Pre-Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Recreational Drug Use, Romantic Gestures, Self-Esteem Issues, The Squad, These Idiots, Trans Clint Barton, Trans Male Character, Unresolved Sexual Tension, aggressive love, idiots generally
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2018-12-12 10:23:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11735091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: falconrulz69: ‘we got food at home’ - me, nat, peggyfalconrulz69: 'pulls into the drive thru and orders 1 black coffee’ - stevefalconrulz69: 'mcdonalds! mcdonalds!’ - THE REST OF Y'ALL MESSES[group chats from the College AU verse. silly queer fun involving roasting the cis, everyone blocking Bucky for being The Worst, and people needing to just kiss already]





	1. 420

**Author's Note:**

> Can be read as a standalone I guess but probably better to read the rest of the verse first! A companion to the College AU, chunks that don't take place at any specific narrative point.
> 
> Names should be clear but:  
> tattsandass: Bucky  
> birdboy: Clint  
> falconrulz69: Sam  
> spyder: Nat  
> rogerthat: Steve  
> need4speed: Pietro  
> meangreen: Bruce

_1 new chat_ _from_ **tattsandass**

 **tattsandass:** what's up

 **tattsandass:** you haven't come over yet it's 10am on 420 dude

 **tattsandass:** I NEED MY BLAZE BUDDY

 **birdboy:** it's nbd

 **birdboy:** I'm just emo

 **tattsandass:** who do I need to fuck up

 **tattsandass:** I'm dusting off my brass knuckles rn

 **tattsandass:** bouta shred em like a cheese grater

 **birdboy:** lmao stop

 **birdboy:** it's dumb

 **birdboy:** I just have a gyno appt and I Hate That

 **birdboy:** yass bracing myself for an hour of being misgendered condescendingly

 **birdboy:** last time she said good girl and I developed an eye twitch

 **birdboy:** aaaaanyway it's really nbd I'm just emo

 **tattsandass:** want me to come with you and talk like a bro about sports the entire time

 **tattsandass:** yeah brah that sportsball was sick we were so masc and het with beer and shit brah

 **tattsandass:** yeah nurse lady my BOY here got a sick vag brah sports

 **birdboy:** you suck at being het

 **tattsandass:** excuse u I'm (looks at smudged writing on hand) straghit

 **birdboy:** sweatie

 **birdboy:** but yeah come with me I wanna get drunk after

 **tattsandass:** on my way wearing a basketball jersey and other cishet things

 **birdboy:** how

 **tattsandass:** it's sam's lmao

_You have entered the group_ **hot messes**

**rogerthat:** who took my pretzels

 **rogerthat:** I left them on top of the fridge who did it

 **rogerthat:** I will hunt you down I stg you fucking assholes

 **rogerthat:** the one vegan snack in this fucking house

 **rogerthat:** I'm a good person I don't deserve his abuse

 **rogerthat:** WHO. TOOK. THEM.

 **spyder:** you ate them yourself while you were drunk you fucking disaster

 **spyder:** while telling us you were gonna start doing slam poetry

 **falconrulz69:** slam poetry about the plight of the proletariat

 **spyder:** ^^^

 **spyder:** and spraying everyone with pretzel crumbs

 **rogerthat:** oh

 **rogerthat:** okay then.

 **falconrulz69:** MESS

 **falconrulz69:** where are tweedledum and tweedledee its 420 I expected to be contact high by now

 **rogerthat:** idk I think bucky hooked up I saw him leave in a knicks jersey

 **rogerthat:** lmao as if hes ever seen a sports in his life

 **falconrulz69:** …motherfucker.

 

 _1 new chat_ from **falconrulz69**

 **falconrulz69:** did you take my knicks jersey

 **tattsandass:** GTG

 **falconrulz69:** DO NOT GET LUBE ON MY CLOTHES

 **tattsandass:** um……….

 **tattsandass:** I'm sorry I have to go right now immediately my mom is calling

 **falconrulz69:** I hate you

 **falconrulz69:** I will fuck your pasty ass up

 **tattsandass:** any time you want omg

 **tattsandass:** yass daddy take me to taco bell because I want EVERYTHING on the menu

_You can no longer message this user._

 

 _1 new chat from_ **tattsandass**

 **tattsandass:** does sam have a good dick

 **spyder:** obviously

 **tattsandass:** is it better than mine

 **spyder:** what do you think

 **tattsandass:** can I check

 **tattsandass:** for science

_You can no longer message this user._

 

_You have entered the group_ **hot messes**

**need4speed:** we do 420 in America yes

 **need4speed:** why I'm not fucked up now

 **need4speed:** ???

 **rogerthat:** I mean, first of all you don't live here

 **need4speed:** I'm already in bath try again

 **rogerthat:** why are you taking a bath here??

 **need4speed:** lush bomb

 **need4speed:** is vegan don't worry

 **need4speed:** again, why I'm not stoned yet

 **spyder:** clint had a dr thing

 **spyder:** bucky went along to scare normal people idk

 **birdboy:** hello u rang

 **birdboy:** I am officially finished with The Cis Nonsense today let's get wasted

 **birdboy:** we're coming back with like the entire liquor store lmao

 **need4speed:** wanda says bring baleys

 **need4speed:** bayleees

 **need4speed:** you know what I mean

 **need4speed:** chocolate shit

 **rogerthat:** …is wanda in the bathroom too

 **need4speed:** yeah she's dying my hair

 **need4speed:** is pink now

 **rogerthat:** I need to move

 **birdboy:** NP we got her baileys already

 **falconrulz69:** lmao omg

 **falconrulz69:** nat don't hold back

 **falconrulz69:** my girl bouta bring the roast

 **birdboy:** WTF

 **spyder:** how convenient

 **spyder:** that you know what she drinks

 **spyder:** that you buy it without asking for money

 **spyder:** almost like you want to impress her

 **spyder:** like you want to win her favour

 **spyder:** like you want her… affection

 **spyder:** how….. convenient…….

 **birdboy:** nat I will fucking end you I stg

 **rogerthat:** I'm crying RIP

 **need4speed:** what is this

 **tattsandass:** nothing lmao just clint fuckin up

 **birdboy:** I will end you all

 **birdboy:** it's just some cis nonsense pietro dw

 **tattsandass:** the Cis are at it again

 **birdboy:** so much Cis Energy in here

 **tattsandass:** I'm sweating honestly I think I'm allergic

 **birdboy:** I just sneezed tbh

 **birdboy:** I need some benadryl

 **tattsandass:** cisadryl

 **rogerthat:** bucky stop appropriating

 **tattsandass:** appropriating what

 **rogerthat:** you're cis

 **birdboy:** ……..

 **spyder:** ………….

 **need4speed:** ………..

 **falconrulz69:** ……………………..

 **tattsandass:** ………………………………..

 **rogerthat:** wtf

 **tattsandass:** am I tho

 **tattsandass:** am I

 **rogerthat:** what

 **tattsandass:** do u really think I'm cis

 **tattsandass:** really

 

 _1 new chat from_ **rogerthat**

 **rogerthat:** BUCKY ISN'T CIS WHAT

 **rogerthat:** THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP YOU FUCK

 **falconrulz69:** I assumed you knew

 **falconrulz69:** THE GUY AIN'T SUBTLE

 **falconrulz69:** he leaves a trail of glitter everywhere he goes

 **falconrulz69:** him and clint have a cis roasting night like once a week

 **falconrulz69:** when was the last time you knew a cis guy wear a crop top

 **rogerthat:** you for one

 **falconrulz69:** akjiknfkds I have to go immediately

 

_You have entered the group_ **hot messes**

**rogerthat:** haha no ofc I knew I'm joking this is a joke

 **rogerthat:** I definitely knew psyche I'm great at jokes

 **spyder:** eyeemoji.gif

 **rogerthat:** DON'T TYPE IT OUT THAT'S SO DRAMATIC WTF

 **tattsandass:** …anyway

 **tattsandass:** me and clint are heading back with booze

 **tattsandass:** winter is coming

 **falconrulz69:** someone invite banner he always has a big bag of weed

_You have added_ **meangreen** _to the group_

**tattsandass:** yo bruce come over

 **birdboy:** 420 BLAZE IT

 **meangreen:** some of us have class you know.

 **tattsandass:** really?

 **meangreen:** lol no lets hotbox the house lmao

 **birdboy:** yaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssss

 **rogerthat:** do we have to fill the house with smoke

 **tattsandass:** oh yeah good point

 **tattsandass:** you cis motherfucker

 **rogerthat:** ajakngjf

 **falconrulz69:** lmao dead

 **rogerthat:** I'm getting an important call I have to leave

 **meangreen:** dw steve I got a vaporiser

 **falconrulz69:** WHAT

 **tattsandass:** IS STEVE GETTING STONED WITH US

 **rogerthat:** I dunno

 **tattsandass:** omg quick everyone

 **tattsandass:** PEER PRESSURE

 **birdboy:** PEER PRESSURE

 **meangreen:** PEER PRESSURE

 **need4speed:** PEER PRESSURE

 **falconrulz69:** PEER PRESSURE

 **spyder:** P E E R P R E S S U R E

 **rogerthat:** ET TU, NAT

 **rogerthat:** alright fine I'm getting stoned with you

 **tattsandass:** YASSSSS

 **meangreen:** is it okay if I bring tony?

 **rogerthat:** ……..I'm definitely getting stoned with you

 

_1 new chat from_ **tattsandass**

**tattsandass:** you don't actually have to get stoned

 **tattsandass:** like if you don't want to

 **tattsandass:** just kidding about the peer pressure

 **tattsandass:** and stuff

 **rogerthat:** …I know

 **tattsandass:** okay good

 **tattsandass:** just like so you know

 **tattsandass:** you can hang out sober if you want

 **tattsandass:** and stuff

 **tattsandass:** whatever

 **rogerthat:** why are you being low key nice again

_You can no longer message this user._

**rogerthat:** dammit bucky


	2. Buddy System

_You have entered the group_ **hot messes**

 **rogerthat:** why is there techno laying

 **rogerthat:** *playing

 **tattsandass:** I mean if you want a techno laying

 **rogerthat:** I will murder you in your sleep.

 **birdboy:** why does punctuation make it so much more dramatic

 **birdboy:** it's like when nat asks a question with a ? and u see your life flash before your eyes

 **birdboy:** cause u know u fcuked up

 **rogerthat:** I don't think punctuation makes that much of a difference

 **spyder:** let's try

 **spyder:** It's not like any of us are trying to study while you spam the chat, you know?

 **birdboy:** aksklji

 **birdboy:** RIP in pieces

 **rogerthat:** AGAIN

 **rogerthat:** WHY IS THERE TECHNO PLAYING

 **rogerthat:** SOME OF US HAVE IMPORTANT NAPS TO TAKE

 **birdboy:** napz on napz on napz

 **spyder:** some of us were smart enough to leave before the music started

 **birdboy:** yeah when that brock kid shows up it's 0-bang city in 60 seconds

 **rogerthat:** oh.

 **tattsandass:** soz I can turn the music down if you want steve

 **rogerthat:** no it's fine.

 **birdboy:** seeeeeee punctuation makes it so dramatic

 **rogerthat:** FUCK OFF CLINT

 

 _1 new chat from_ **rogerthat**

 **rogerthat:** I fucking hate brock.

 **falconrulz69:** you hate a lotta people

 **falconrulz69:** is this a person who's wronged you or someone bucky's banging

 **falconrulz69:** those are the 2 categories of people you hate

 **rogerthat:** axjiclmw

 **rogerthat:** DON'T EXPOSE ME LIKE THIS

 **rogerthat:** I DON'T CARE WHO BUCKY BANGS

 **rogerthat:** I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SEX IS

 **falconrulz69:** it's that thing you're not having

 **rogerthat:** WHY IS EVERYONE BULLYING ME TODAY I TRY SO HARD

 **falconrulz69:** so brock is a person bucky's banging

 **falconrulz69:** is what I'm getting

 **falconrulz69:** omg his screenname should be buckybangs

 **rogerthat:** don't you dare

 

 _1 new chat from_ **falconrulz69**

 **falconrulz69:** YOUR USERNAME SHOULD BE BUCKYBANGS

 **tattsandass:** OMG

 

 _You have entered the group_ **hot messes**

 **buckybangs:** WITNESS ME

 **rogerthat:** I fucking hate you sam.

 **birdboy:** see, dramatic

 **rogerthat:** stfu

 **buckybangs:** how do you know sam came up with it

 **buckybangs:** are u roasting me off the group chat

 **buckybangs:** that's not buddies

 **falconrulz69:** I'm helping steve edit his erotic friend fiction

 **buckybangs:** ooh is it about me

 **buckybangs:** does he need to do some hands on research

 **rogerthat:** how do I leave this chat

 **birdboy:** u can't

 **birdboy:** get comfy

 **rogerthat:** I hate everyone in this bar

 

 _1 new chat from_ **rogerthat**

 **rogerthat:** can I come live with you

 **rogerthat:** I'll do your dishes for a year

 **rogerthat:** I'll curl your hair every morning

 **rogerthat:** I'll find good lighting for all your selfies

 **spyder:** is bucky banging someone again

 **rogerthat:** WHY DO YOU ALL EXPOSE ME THIS WAY

_You can no longer message this user._

_You have entered the group_ **hot messes**

 **buckybangs:** yo can brock come to pizza night

 **spyder:** only if you stop starting sentences with yo

 **buckybangs:** I can do that yo

 **spyder:** rolleyesemoji.gif

 **buckybangs:** I feel so attacked when you type it out like that

 **spyder:** :)

 **falconrulz69:** ooh bringing a guy to meet the parents

 **falconrulz69:** I'm warming up my roast

 **falconrulz69:** gotta put him through his paces

 **spyder:** our little boy's all grown up

 **need4speed:** who is this brock

 **need4speed:** one with leather jacket or big dick

 **buckybangs:** both ;)

 **need4speed:** nice

 **rogerthat:** I mean if people think it's okay to wear dead animal skin then that's fine.

 **rogerthat:** it only contributes to massive torture and slaughter.

 **rogerthat:** but hey it looks cool so that must be okay.

 **falconrulz69:** bih you have leather boots on ya feet right now

 **falconrulz69:** don't play

 **buckybangs:** I can ask him not to wear it if it makes you feel better steeb

 **rogerthat:** don't call me steeb

 **buckybangs:** steebie

 **buckybangs:** steebo

 **buckybangs:** steebae ;)

 **buckybangs:** srsly though it's okay if he comes, right?

 **birdboy:** a Pregnant Pause begins as the hushed crowd wait to see what happens

 **buckybangs:** wtf

 **rogerthat:** clint I will fucking suplex you through the wall

 **rogerthat:** it's fine buck. bring him. it'll be fun.

 **falconrulz69:** I'm bringing popcorn

 **spyder:** and tranquilisers

 **birdboy:** opera glasses

 **rogerthat:** you're all dead to me.

 

 _You have entered the group_ **everyone but buck**

 **falconrulz69:** steve stop staring you're gonna burn a hole in his head

 **rogerthat:** wtf

 **rogerthat:** did you make a group chat without bucky just to roast me

 **rogerthat:** NOT BUDDIES

 **falconrulz69:** do you really want this in the main chat

 **falconrulz69:** really

 **rogerthat:** ffff

 **birdboy:** are we gonna address that he's started using bucky's stupid buddies thing

 **rogerthat:** I'm gonna put hair in your binder I stg

 **birdboy:** psyche it's already full of dog hair

 **birdboy:** come at me bro

 **falconrulz69:** steve stop staring at him

 **rogerthat:** he's a douche

 **falconrulz69:** I know

 **falconrulz69:** be polite

 **rogerthat:** HE CALLED ME LITTLE GUY

 **rogerthat:** he's a prick

 **falconrulz69:** you've spent five minutes with the guy

 **rogerthat:** seven

 **falconrulz69:** omg

 **spyder:** get off your phones you antisocial assholes.

 

 _1 new chat from_ **buckybangs**

 **buckybangs:** is steve okay

 **buckybangs:** he's being weird

 **buckybangs:** I don't think he's blinked for a solid 5min

 **birdboy:** he's fine

 **birdboy:** I think he ate some gluten earlier

 **buckybangs:** ok… that sounds fake but ok…

 **birdboy:** update your memeing

 **buckybangs:** bouta do a harlem shake on this d amirite

_You can no longer message this user._

_You have entered the group_ **hot messes**

 **rogerthat:** listen up you fucking assholes

 **rogerthat:** I'm a simple man, I have simple needs

 **rogerthat:** I try to recognise my privilege and use it for good

 **rogerthat:** I donate to charity

 **falconrulz69:** with what money

 **rogerthat:** I WOULD donate to charity

 **rogerthat:** I hug dogs, I tolerate small children

 **rogerthat:** in short, I'm a good person

 **rogerthat:** I don't deserve to have every GODDAMN NAP INTERRUPTED

 **birdboy:** lmao bucky's getting laaaaaaaaaid

 **spyder:** you are a child

 **spyder:** I don't think he's getting laid

 **rogerthat:** no they're yelling at each other

 **rogerthat:** how do you know

 **spyder:** some of us take conversations off the group chat

 **spyder:** to avoid spamming others with our personal business

 **birdboy:** like the time you sent us a selfie with naked sam in the background

 **birdboy:** with the waggling

 **falconrulz69:** WHAT

 **spyder:** does we will never speak of this mean nothing to you people

 **need4speed:** aw I missed naked sam

 **need4speed:** this is homophobe

 **birdboy:** check your DMs

 **need4speed:** god is good

 **falconrulz69:** is there a black market for my nudes now

 **rogerthat:** NAT WHY ARE THEY YELLING AT EACH OTHER

 **spyder:** why do you need to know

 **birdboy:** eyeemoji.gif

 **falconrulz69:** it's almost like you care who bucky bangs

 **falconrulz69:** or something

 **rogerthat:** ,a,lkreok CHECK THE CHAT AND SHUT UP

 **rogerthat:** I'm just a concerned neighbour

 **rogerthat:** whose naps keep getting interrupted by bucky barnes

 **need4speed:** but if he interrupt your naps with something else

 **need4speed:** like a penis

 **rogerthat:** you're all fucking blocked

 

 _1 new chat from_ **buckybangs**

 **buckybangs:** can I come nap with you

 **rogerthat:** I thought your bf was over.

 **buckybangs:** he's not my bf

 **buckybangs:** he's a jerk

 **rogerthat:** oh

 **buckybangs:** can I drink your beer

 **rogerthat:** uh sure

 **rogerthat:** are you ok

 **buckybangs:** I wanna nap and drink beer at 11am what do you think

 **rogerthat:** I mean that's pretty much your normal day so

 **buckybangs:** omg

 **buckybangs:** all the guys I like are jerks

 **rogerthat:** what

 **buckybangs:** I mean PEOPLE my FRIENDS

 **buckybangs:** all jerks unromantically totally platonic jerks

 **buckybangs:** anyway I'm gonna go drown myself in the tub at clints bye

 **rogerthat:** omg just get the beer and come up you drama queen

 **buckybangs:** thanks

 **buckybangs:** u cis motherfucker

 **rogerthat:** I deserve better friends.

 

 _You have entered the group_ **hot messes**

 **spyder:** omg

 **spyder:** I went over to the hellhouse with break up wine

 **spyder:** and then

 **spyder** _sent a picture_ **cuddlebuddies.jpg**

 **need4speed:** aw they are cute

 **falconrulz69:** fucking finally

 **falconrulz69:** can we stop pretending to be oblivious now

 **birdboy:** nah they got clothes on

 **birdboy:** the eagle has not landed

 **falconrulz69:** ffs

 **falconrulz69:** WHEN WILL IT END

 **spyder:** straw poll: put their hands in water or sharpie dicks to the face?

 **falconrulz69:** my fucking wife everyone

 **birdboy:** why not both

 **buckybangs:** you know this is in the group, right

 **spyder:** asjdisjd I have to go immediately

 **spyder:** later gators

 **rogerthat:** not buddies, nat

 **falconrulz69:** *stares into the camera like he's on the office*


	3. Science Hooch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATED TAGS: mention of self harm in this chapter, in keeping with the tone of the other works in this AU. nothing bad.

_You have entered the group_ **hot messes**

 **buckybangs:** okay hypothetically

 **rogerthat:** no

 **rogerthat:** whatever it is, no

 **buckybangs:** I’m sorry was I asking the cis

 **rogerthat:** ahijknk I have to leave

 **buckybangs:** lmao kidding

 **buckybangs:** u cis fuck

 **rogerthat:** bucky why do you treat me this way

 **buckybangs:** I’m sorry do you feel oppressed

 **buckybangs:** as a cis

 **rogerthat:** I’m gonna oppress something on you in a minute

 **buckybangs:** I’d like to see you try

 **falconrulz69:** OMG GET A FUCKING ROOM

 **falconrulz69:** GO TOUCH EACH OTHERS DICKS SOMEWHERE ELSE

 **falconrulz69:** TAKE IT OUT OF THE GROUP AT LEAST

 **rogerthat:** wtf the fuck

 **buckybangs:** how dare you

 **buckybangs:** i’ve never even had sex ever in my life

 **rogerthat:** this is a witch hunt

 **rogerthat:** I’m calling homophobia

 **buckybangs:** the internet will hear of this on steve’s blog

 **falconrulz69:** you two are fucking ridiculous

 **need4speed:** as a gay, I must say this is disgusting

 **buckybangs:** shut up p you don’t speak english

 **need4speed:** you disgusting in every language

 **spyder:** yo bruce wants me to add him into the chat

 **buckybangs:** does he have weed

 **buckybangs:** also i thought you banned yo

 **spyder:** I make the rules I don’t follow them

 **buckybangs:** homophobic!!!!

 **buckybangs:** steve alert tumblr we have a homophobia in here!!!!

 **rogerthat:** I hate you.

 _You have added_ **meangreen** _to the group_

 **meangreen:** how do you guys feel about a party tonight?

 **meangreen:** like, at your house

 **falconrulz69:** are we a frat now

 **falconrulz69:** also technically only 3 of us live here

 **falconrulz69:** although pietro spends way too much time in our bathroom

 **need4speed:** i’m manscaping rn

 **rogerthat:** are you using my clippers

 **need4speed:** hair is hair

 **rogerthat:** keep my stuff away from your balls!!

 **buckybangs:** i’d get laid more if we were a frat

 **falconrulz69:** do you ever stop hoeing jw

 **buckybangs:** no

 **buckybangs:** never

 **buckybangs:** call me a field cause i’m getting plowed constantly

 **rogerthat:** stop this now

 **meangreen:** so where did we land on the party thing??

 **spyder:** I have a deadline I’d love to procrastinate on

 **spyder:** but also, I am poor.

 **spyder:** as is sam.

 **falconrulz69:** ajfkl roasted by my fucking wife

 **falconrulz69:** but tru

 **rogerthat:** yeah I don’t think any of us have the funds for a party atm

 **rogerthat:** since we’re feeding the freeloaders who technically don’t live in our house

 **birdboy:** uhhhh excuse me sonny jim i bring food over with me

 **rogerthat:** you brought a bag of marshmallows one time

 **rogerthat:** and they weren’t even vegan

 **buckybangs:** i feel like everyone pays their way in sexual favours around here

 **birdboy:** that’s literally just you

 **meangreen:**....anyway

 **meangreen:** I’ll provide the booze for free

 **birdboy:** WHAT

 **buckybangs:** uh that’s a hell with a side of yes from me

 **spyder:** I’m there

 **falconrulz69:** hell yeah!

 **need4speed:** free party?? this is the american dream finally

 **birdboy:** yeah boiiii

 **rogerthat:** I mean hell yeah but why are you giving us free booze?

 **meangreen:** I didn’t technically buy it

 **buckybangs:** BRUCE IS A THIEF OMG HE WAS THE GOOD ONE

 **birdboy:** RIP the last chance this group had of not going to hell

 **rogerthat:** I feel like that died a long time ago

 **meangreen:** no, I mean we kind of… made it.

 **rogerthat:** who’s we

 **buckybangs:** are you giving us science hooch

 **meangreen:** technically, Tony is

 **rogerthat:** wtf the fuck

 **meangreen:** I’ll add him into the chat

 **birdboy:** OMG

 **buckybangs:** rude

 **falconrulz69:** nat get popcorn omg

 **rogerthat:** DON’T

 _You have added_ **richbitch** _to the group_

 **richbitch:** Hi

 **need4speed:** DIBS

 **rogerthat:** wtf pietro

 **need4speed:** we have dibs in sokovia and I like booze

 **richbitch:** I thought you were calling dibs on me

 **need4speed:** hi ;)

 **rogerthat:** YOU CANNOT SLEEP WITH MY EX

 **need4speed:** ;)

 **rogerthat:** ABSOLUTELY NOT

 **rogerthat:** DISGUSTING

 **rogerthat:** OFFENSIVE CONTENT

 **need4speed:** ;);)

 **falconrulz69:** how about a nice group trip to church

 **richbitch:** hi Steve

 **rogerthat:** bitch is a slur.

 **richbitch:** anyway

 **richbitch:** how do you guys feel about being my guinea pigs

 **richbitch:** me and brucie cooked something up in the lab that’s quite.... potent

 **rogerthat:** are you coming to the party

 **richbitch:** ofc

 **rogerthat:** hard pass.

 **birdboy:** like…

 **birdboy:** I wanna have your back steeb

 **birdboy:** but also I wanna get drunk

 **falconrulz69:** same

 **rogerthat:** I’m surrounded by liars and fakes.

 **spyder:** is this hooch going to make us all blind

 **birdboy:** yeah I’m already down a sense over here

 **richbitch:** tested it myself, it’s safe

 **spyder:** I’m in

 **birdboy:** I’m already drinking so lets do it

 **rogerthat:** bucky?

 **falconrulz69:** omg

 **birdboy:** omg

 **spyder:** sophie’s choice

 **spyder:** free booze or the prospect of the d

 **buckybangs:** i’m in

 **rogerthat:** …

 **rogerthat:** fine.

 **rogerthat:** let’s have a party.

 **rogerthat** _has left the group_ **hot messes**

 **buckybangs:** was it something i said?

 **spyder:** you are a whole different level of stupid.

  


 

 _1 new chat from_ **rogerthat**

 **rogerthat:** can you put a curse on someone for me

 **rogerthat:** I’m thinking something that looks like an STD

 **rogerthat:** maybe penis warts

 **redwitch:** $5 evil eye $10 hex $20 curse

 **redwitch:** not available until tomorrow

 **rogerthat:** wtf

 **redwitch:** I want to drink the science booze

 **rogerthat:** you all suck.

_You can no longer message this user._

 

 

 _1 new chat from_ **buckybangs**

 **buckybangs:** steve are you mad at me

 **buckybangs:** steve

 **buckybangs:** steve

 **buckybangs:** steeeeeeeve

 **buckybangs:** steeeeeeeb

 **buckybangs:** steebie

 **buckybangs:** steeb

 **rogerthat:** stop calling me steeb.

 **buckybangs:** HE’S ALIVE

 **buckybangs:** are you mad at me

 **buckybangs:** i’m sorry

 **buckybangs:** i bought you pretzels

 **buckybangs:** i did your dishes

 **rogerthat:**...I’m not mad at you.

 **buckybangs:** your punctuation suggests otherwise

_You can no longer message this user._

 

 

 _1 new chat from_ **buckybangs**

 **buckybangs:** is steve mad at me

 **spyder:** you are dumb

 **buckybangs:** i know but why

 **spyder:** god your self esteem hurts even from a distance

 **buckybangs:** are you dragging me for my own self hatred

 **buckybangs:** not buddies, nat

 **buckybangs:** i’m just a gay standing in front of a girl

 **buckybangs:** asking her to tell him wtf he did this time

 **spyder:** Steve is petty af

 **spyder:** he’ll get over it

 **spyder:** just don’t do anything dumb tonight

 **buckybangs:** i mean i’ll try but it’s me so i’ll almost definitely fuck up

 **buckybangs:** like i always do every day of my life

 **spyder:** I’m sending Sam over to hug you

 **spyder:** I can drag you you’re not allowed to do it yourself

 **spyder:** stop making me feel things

 **spyder:** I have an image to maintain  


 

 _You have entered the group_ **hot messes**

 **falconrulz69:** really living up to the group name tonight guys

 **falconrulz69:** holy shit

 **rogerthat:** this hooch tastes like paint thinner

 **birdboy:** NO HALF MEASURES

 **birdboy:** WE DIE LIKE MEN

 **rogerthat:** MASCULINITY IS A CONSTRUCT

 **birdboy:** U DAM RITE

 **birdboy:** U CIS FUCK

 **falconrulz69:** why are you shouting these things across the house as you type them

 **falconrulz69:** are you even on the same floor

 **birdboy:** i have literally no idea

 **spyder:** where did all these peiple come from

 **falconrulz69:** nice typo

 **spyder:** i’m blasted stfu

 **spyder:** good luck getting your dick sucked now

 **falconrulz69:** I mean there’s always barnes

 **spyder:** I will remove your balls.

 **falconrulz69:** where is tall dark and slutty anyway

 **rogerthat:** off being a jerk somewhere jerkily

 **birdboy:** last i saw he was in the yard putting cigarettes out on himself

 **falconrulz69:**...well that took a fucking TURN.

 **spyder:** again? ffs.

 **rogerthat:** omg can u not joke about that

 **birdboy:** i’m not he’s wasted af

 **rogerthat:** and you just let him do it??

 **birdboy:** i thought you were all about personal freedoms

 **birdboy:** i’m not his boyfriend

 **falconrulz69:** ugh fine I’ll go find his ass

 **falconrulz69:** can’t believe y’all making me dad friend this shit

 **falconrulz69:** mess.

 **spyder:** we need a group therapist

 **need4speed:** i love alcholo

 **spyder:** case in point.

 **need4speed:** i love alohol an dickk

 **birdboy:** new group chat name

 **rogerthat:** you’re a dick

 **birdboy:** tru

 **falconrulz69:** alright I’m gonna apply a first aid kit and some food to this dumbass white boy

 **falconrulz69:** anyone wanna come get drunk food

 **birdboy:** uh hell yes

 **spyder:** bring me back carbs I’m not moving

 **need4speed:** me and wanda yes

 **rogerthat:** is bucky okay

 **falconrulz69:** I’m gonna lock you assholes in a room until you get your shit together

 **falconrulz69:** he’s fine

 **rogerthat:** ok

 **rogerthat:** good

 **rogerthat:** that’s good

 **falconrulz69:** come down here and see him omg

 **falconrulz69:** do I have to literally bang your heads together

 **birdboy:** NOW KISS

 **spyder:** old meme

 **need4speed:** why can bucky and stev no admit they love

 **need4speed:** this is very tragic to me

 **need4speed:** i cry

 **rogerthat:** stfu all of you

 **rogerthat:** fine I’ll come get food

 **need4speed:** and dick

 **rogerthat:** fucking blocked.  


 

 _1 new chat from_ **buckybangs**

 **buckybangs:** omg what day is it

 **buckybangs:** am i alive

 **buckybangs:** how is it possible to be this hungover

 **rogerthat:** there’s water and painkillers on the nightstand

 **buckybangs:** thank u benevolent god

 **rogerthat:** so…

 **rogerthat:** are you okay?

 **buckybangs:** uh apart from feeling like five trucks hit me

 **buckybangs:** why

 **rogerthat:** you were kinda out of it last night

 **buckybangs:** yeah no shit i can’t remember anything after 6pm

 **buckybangs:** wtf unexplained drunken injuries what did i do

 **rogerthat:**...

 **buckybangs:** oh.

 **buckybangs:** awkward.

 **buckybangs:** sorry.

 **buckybangs:** being wasted hinders my ability to hide the car crash that is my mental health

 **buckybangs:** my bad

 **rogerthat:** like, points for self awareness

 **rogerthat:** but omg Bucky.

 **buckybangs:** sorry

 **rogerthat:** was it because you think I’m mad at you?!

 **buckybangs:** idk i was literally wasted

 **buckybangs:** what did i say?

 **rogerthat:** you were really concerned I hated you.

 **rogerthat:** like I was pretty drunk but I think you cried in taco bell

 **rogerthat:** pietro and sam took turns carrying you home

 **buckybangs:** brb jumping out the window bye

 **rogerthat:** I’m not mad at you

 **rogerthat:** promise

 **rogerthat:** I was pissed about Tony hanging out with us

 **rogerthat:** I forget how personal you take stuff

 **buckybangs:** … thanks

 **buckybangs:** it wasn’t your fault

 **buckybangs:** i am the dumbest alive

 **buckybangs:** literally a human tyre fire

 **rogerthat:** omg I’m siding with Nat on the aggressively loving you until you like yourself thing.

 **rogerthat:** LIKING you. being nice. kindness.

 **buckybangs:** ...

 **rogerthat:** anyway. fuck you. be nice to yourself.

 **buckybangs:** ...okay?

 **rogerthat:** ffs

 **rogerthat:** put some pants on I’m coming in

 **buckybangs:** are u gonna yell at me about self love

 **rogerthat:** I HAVEN’T DECIDED.  


 

 _You have entered the group_ **i love alohol an dickk**

 **need4speed:** who change the chat name

 **need4speed:** illegal bullying

 **need4speed:** why do americans hate immigrants so much

 **need4speed:** fuck u all

 **rogerthat:** who’s coming to hangover brunch with us

 **spyder:** who’s us

 **rogerthat:** me and buck

 **spyder:** eyeemoji.gif

 **rogerthat:** stfu

 **falconrulz69:** I dunno how I got this hungover while I was dadfriending your asses

 **falconrulz69:** is barnes alive

 **buckybangs:** soz sam

 **buckybangs:** thanks for dadding me

 **buckybangs:** daddy ;)

 **falconrulz69:** YOU’RE NOT WELCOME OMG

 **spyder:** we’re coming to brunch

 **spyder:** I’m going to wear sunglasses and drink mimosas

 **spyder:** and none of you are going to speak to me

 **need4speed:** double date brunch

 **need4speed:** I ship it

 **rogerthat:** deport yourself

 **need4speed:** i will wake up wanda and see if we come

 **falconrulz69:** what happened to the science bros last night anyway

 **spyder:** idk Tony was taking notes and Bruce was hotboxing the bathroom last I saw

 **spyder:** Clint didn’t come home so I assume he’s on your couch

 **rogerthat:** uh nope

 **rogerthat:** should I start looking in the cabinets

 **rogerthat:** he was the one who slept in there after thanksgiving right?

 **need4speed:** OMG

 **buckybangs:** found clint

 **need4speed:** MYSISTER

 **rogerthat:** uh oh

 **need4speed:** CLINT BARTON IS DEAD MAN

 **buckybangs:** RIP

 **rogerthat:** the idea that your sister can’t sleep with people is very patriarchal, p

 **buckybangs:** plus he gives really good head dude

 **buckybangs:** she’s winning in this situation

 **need4speed:** ALKJLDSKJI

 **falconrulz69:** well at least one pair of idiots managed to get it together

 **buckybangs:** about time

 **rogerthat:** yeah they really strung that out

 **falconrulz69:** ….

 **spyder:** …….

 **need4speed:** ………

 **rogerthat:** what?!


	4. Holiday Special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clint's christmas dinner experience is taken directly from real life. yesterday was wild.

_You have entered the group_ **i love alohol an dickk**

 **falconrulz69:** y'all

 **falconrulz69:** losing track of barnes at this christmas party like

 **falconrulz69** _has sent an image: bear.jpg_

 

 **birdboy:** LMAOOOOOOOOOO

 **birdboy:** i'm howling

 **spyder:** clint just threw his phone across the room wtf

 **spyder:** loool okay accurate

 **falconrulz69:** where tf are you guys

 **falconrulz69:** I can't wrangle this thot alone forever

 **falconrulz69:** he's balls deep in academics rn

 **birdboy:** we all know he's a thirsty bottom who isn't balls deep in anything

 **buckybangs:** uhhh excuse u buddy who are u calling a thot

 **buckybangs:** i am a pure soul

 **buckybangs:** i've never done anything wrong ever in my life

 **buckybangs:** i'm practically a monk

 **falconrulz69:** did you or did you not take your hand out a man's pants to send that

 **buckybangs:** gtg i'm receiving an important call goodbye

 **falconrulz69:** someone come help me with this??? I didn't sign up to dadfriend???

 **buckybangs:** daddy friend ;)

 **falconrulz69:** STOP

 **spyder:** I told you, it's dumb to go to another department's clandestine christmas party

 **falconrulz69:** there's free booze

 **spyder:** I'm on my way

 **falconrulz69:** my wife is a sinner and I love it

 **rogerthat:** If you make out with someone who grades your work all year it's going to get messy.

 **rogerthat:** We've talked about this.

 **falconrulz69:** yall talk about making out a lot or

 **rogerthat:** fuck u

 **buckybangs:** everyone knows what happens at christmas stays at christmas

 **buckybangs:** it's the most wonderful time of the year

 **falconrulz69:** MESS

 

 

 _You have entered the group_ **i love alohol an dickk**

 **spyder:** since we're all poor, may I suggest a secret santa this year

 **spyder:** $20 limit

 **spyder:** no sex toys

 **buckybangs:** u know damn well you can't get a decent sex toy for $20

 **spyder:** exactly.

 **spyder:** I've signed us up for a website to draw the names

 **spyder:** go put in your email addresses

 **rogerthat:** so by 'may I suggest' you meant 'I have done the thing'

 **spyder:** I've saved myself the inevitable emotional labour of shepherding you messy gays through this remarkably easy process which you will make stupidly difficult.

 **spyder:** I've cut out the middle ground of your two weeks of dithering before finally going along with what I - an actual adult - suggested in the first place.

 **spyder:** I also multitasked and bought myself a Christmas sweater, which will be mandatory at the gift exchange.

 **spyder:** An itinerary is coming to you via email shortly.

 **falconrulz69:** I'm so turned on rn

 **buckybangs:** disgusting.

 **need4speed:** my competence kink is also aroused

 **rogerthat:** look, we're all a little turned on

 **birdboy:** I'm not

 **rogerthat:** thank you nat for being in charge

 **buckybangs:** ^^^ what sam says every night in the bedroom

 **falconrulz69:** you have no proof!!!!! this is a smear campaign!!! I demand a lawyer!!

 **spyder:** ;)

 **buckybangs:** this buzzfeed unsolved mystery is: confirmed.

 **birdboy:** please stop making me picture them boning

 **rogerthat:** Not The Hets We Deserve, But The Ones We Need Right Now

 **buckybangs:** did steve just meme

 **buckybangs:** I'm erect rn

 **rogerthat:** BLOCKED!!!!

 

 

 _1 new message from_ **birdboy**

 **birdboy:** this christmas dinner is wild

 **birdboy:** the cishets are doing The Most

 **buckybangs:** is this the engineering dept thing

 **buckybangs:** who do I need to kill

 **buckybangs:** as u know, I love Murder

 **birdboy:** I might actually take you up on that this time

 **buckybangs:** oh shit how bad is it

 **birdboy:** 'so are you gonna stop at getting your tits removed or…'

 **birdboy:** gestures curiously at my crotch

 **buckybangs:** WTF THE FUCK

 **buckybangs:** wtf is wrong with them omg

 **birdboy:** i'm legit hiding in the bathroom

 **birdboy:** people had opinions!!!! about my genitals!!!!! and didn't hesitate to voice them!!!! it was a lengthy conversation!!!!!

 **buckybangs:** stay there

 **buckybangs:** the boyfriend u didn't know u had is about to show up with An Urgent Situation

 **buckybangs:** which requires you to leave immediately

 **birdboy:** thank you omg

 **birdboy:** I don't wanna be like The Angry Minority yknow?

 **birdboy:** and like it isn't cool to Have Feelings but I legit have them rn

 **buckybangs:** i got u

 **buckybangs:** do that google maps pin thing and send me the address

 **birdboy:** help me obi juan you're my only hoe

 

 

 _You have entered the group_ **i love alohol an dickk**

 **buckybangs:** we're mounting a rescue mission

 **buckybangs:** where's steeb

 **rogerthat:** stop calling me steeb.

 **buckybangs:** there's no time for that

 **buckybangs:** i need all your rage focused on a single point

 **rogerthat:** ……

 **rogerthat:** I do love rage

 **buckybangs:** are u ready to get Real Mad about some transphobia

 **buckybangs:** im talking the time that professor refused to use neutral pronouns Mad

 **buckybangs:** like that cold and precise thing where you absolutely obliterate them and look really hot and smart while u do it

 **rogerthat:** wtf

 **buckybangs:** ANYWAY

 **buckybangs:** meet me outside we're gonna go ruin some cishets

 **spyder:** is this clint related

 **buckybangs:** yes

 **spyder:** What A Lovely Day For Murder

 **need4speed:** u have my bow

 **redwitch:** are the cis fucking with my friend boy

 **redwitch:** I would like to join this lynching

 **falconrulz69:** like I support this 100% but please don't get arrested

 **falconrulz69:** we are too poor for bail money

 **buckybangs:** there's no time for practical concerns sam

 **buckybangs:** ASSEMBLE

 **rogerthat:** you're not the group leader you don't get to say that

 **buckybangs:** A

 **buckybangs:** S

 **buckybangs:** S

 **buckybangs:** E

 **buckybangs:** M

 **buckybangs:** B

 **rogerthat:** u r stupid

 **buckybangs:** L

 **buckybangs:** E

 

 

 _1 new chat from_ **buckybangs**

 **buckybangs:** it was super hot how you made that middle aged white dude cry

 **rogerthat:** omg

_You can no longer message this user._

 

 

 _You have entered the group_ **i love alohol an dickk**

 **spyder:** now we're finished with that nonsense

 **birdboy:** Burn The Cis

 **buckybangs:** ^^^^^^^

 **spyder:** has everyone checked the allergy list I provided for the christmas baking

 **spyder:** steve is allergic to everything so he will be providing his own non-cake cake

 **buckybangs:** do we really have to bake

 **spyder:** Do you really want to question me?

 **buckybangs:** idk but I have a fearection rn

 **buckybangs:** scareoused

 **rogerthat:** stop this.

 **birdboy:** why have you put penicillin allergies on the list? who tf is gonna bake a penicillin cake?

 **spyder:** I don't trust any of you after the cold medicine punch incident

 **birdboy:** fair tbh

 **rogerthat:** that was pietro's fault

 **need4speed:** i can't read labels this is not my fault

 **need4speed:** why do you hate immigrants so much

 **need4speed:** it tasted good

 **rogerthat:** it tasted like an emergency room trip!!

 **spyder:** ANYWAY

 **spyder:** Thursday evening.

 **spyder:** no food fights.

 

 

 _1 new chat from_ **spyder**

 **spyder:** I SAID NO FOOD FIGHTS

 **buckybangs:** i can't hear u there's flour in my ears

_You can no longer message this user._

 

 

 _You have entered the group_ **everyone but buck**

 **rogerthat:** who got bucky in the secret santa

 **rogerthat:** I wanna trade

 **spyder:** no trading!!

 **rogerthat:** PLZ NAT

 **spyder:** fine I'll allow it this once.

 **spyder:** nobody else get ideas.

 **spyder:** eyeemoji.gif

 **falconrulz69:** are you assholes really gonna rom com this shit

 **birdboy:** he's gonna get him a really good present and their eyes are gonna meet

 **falconrulz69:** and they'll finally realise they love each other after all this time and fuckery

 **birdboy:** and then they'll bang.

 **need4speed:** my otp i ship it

 **rogerthat:** god I hate you all so much.

 **rogerthat:** except nat, who is a benevolent and kind overlord.

 **spyder:** :*

 **redwitch:** I got bucky

 **redwitch:** pleas take him he is too difficult to find present for

 **redwitch:** I was making spell coupon vouchers

 **birdboy:** I mean he is like the only one who believes they work so

 **redwitch:** do u want to access this pussy or not

 **birdboy:** Magic Is Real

 **need4speed:** fjiajg;klmk NO MORE OF THIS TALK

 **need4speed:** steve take your boyfriend and end this

 **rogerthat:** he's not my boyfriend.

 **birdboy, redwitch, falconrulz69, need4speed** _and_ **spyder** _have left the group._

 **rogerthat:** I despise you all.

 

 

 _1 new chat from_ **rogerthat**

 **rogerthat:** are you okay?

 **rogerthat:** you disappeared after we did the gift exchange

 **buckybangs:** yeah I'm fine

 **rogerthat:** you sure? because it looked like you weren't

 **rogerthat:** it's okay if you don't like the stupid stress balls

 **rogerthat:** they're just supposed to be good for anxiety and I thought maybe it would help you to not burn yourself

 **rogerthat:** not that your mental health is any of my business

 **buckybangs:** no I love them

 **buckybangs:** I just

 **buckybangs:** I'm just emo okay

 **buckybangs:** I didn't make it home for hanukkah and it's been bumming me out so I'm already like, compromised

 **buckybangs:** and I'm not super good at people being nice to me

 **buckybangs:** or having friends who actually like me

 **buckybangs:** and they're thoughtful as fuck and it just got me

 **buckybangs:** i mean lol pysche i don't have feelings i'm super cool

 **buckybangs:** what is happy crying i don't know her

 **rogerthat:** omg you can tell us?? if you're sad about something?? I didn't even know you wanted to go home??

 **rogerthat:** come and let me give you a hug immediately

 **buckybangs:** I'm fine honestly dw

 **rogerthat:** you're gonna make me climb stairs you jerk

 **buckybangs:** steve you really don't need to check on me I'm fine

 **rogerthat:** suck my ass, you're getting hugged.

 

 

 _You have entered the group_ **i love alohol an dickk**

 **falconrulz69:** ...so how long is it polite to not mention that they've clearly sneaked off to bang.

 **birdboy:** nah I bet they haven't

 **falconrulz69:** are we betting now

 **falconrulz69:** cuz I'll take that action

 **spyder:** I'll put $10 on some over the clothes action

 **need4speed:** dicks are being sucked

 **need4speed:** my psychic mind says so

 **redwitch:** only one psychic allowed in this family

 **birdboy:** I bet they're having an awkwardly deep conversation while trying not to admit that they're totally in love with each other

 **birdboy:** probably discussing past mistakes to form a more genuine emotional connection

 **birdboy:** forging a bond based on mutual trust despite the fact they deny they want their dicks to touch

 **birdboy:** there may even have been tears idk

 **spyder:** ...are you outside the door

 **buckybangs:** WTF

 **birdboy:** GTGTGTGTGTG

 **rogerthat:** NOT BUDDIES, CLINT


	5. Here Cums Santa Claus

_You have entered the group_ **Shove Tinsel Up My Ass**

 **falconrulz69:** (that one song voice) IT'S CHRISSSSSTMAAAASSS

 **falconrulz69:** happy festivities my dudes

 **spyder:** omg who changed the group name??

 **spyder:** and put your phone away your mom and jesus are looking

 **falconrulz69:** gtgtgtgtgtg

 **need4speed:** greetings from sokovia

 **need4speed:** wanda say hi and also she is drunk

 **need4speed:** its been christmas for 7 days already here

 **buckybangs:** I thought you guys were jewish??

 **need4speed:** we are but who gonna not get drunk for 7 days

 **buckybangs:** lmao tru

 **buckybangs:** come to NY and get chinese food with me and clint next time

 **buckybangs:** papa chang has outdone himself this year I'm Food Pregnant

 **spyder:** I could have done Extended European Christmas

 **spyder:** but I am in a pew with my man's fam.

 **spyder:** true love

 **buckybangs:** slave to the D u mean

 **spyder:** fuck you

 **falconrulz69:** who else is stuck in church holler

 **rogerthat:** uhhhh this guy

 **rogerthat:** I already had midnight mass and I was still drunk it was a disaster

 **rogerthat:** irish christmas eve does not fuck around

 **rogerthat:** the blood of christ did not go down smooth

 **rogerthat:** does it count as communion if you puke up the wafer

 **buckybangs:** lmaooooooo

 **falconrulz69:** MESS.

 **birdboy:** I like nonchristmas so much better

 **birdboy:** there's beer and no misgendering

 **birdboy:** gotta skype my dad+Barn later and I'm Bracing

 **birdboy:** they've gone back to deadnaming me bc they're pissed i didn't come home and cook dinner for them

 **spyder:** whatever you decided to do it would have been the wrong thing

 **spyder:** this way you get a good day along with your guilt

 **spyder:** instead of just misery and also guilt

 **rogerthat:** as a catholic, I Love Guilt

 **rogerthat:** so if u guys wanna come over later hmu

 **buckybangs:** your mom won't mind?

 **rogerthat:** nah she loves having people over

 **rogerthat:** we both have colds tho fair warning

 **buckybangs:** I can bring recovery egg rolls?? or like soup??

 **need4speed:** this is 2 cute my otp together at christmas

 **falconrulz69:** disgusting tbh get a room

 **rogerthat:** I could not hate any of you more

 **rogerthat:** merry christmas assholes

   
  


_1 new chat from_ **rogerthat**

 **rogerthat:** seriously it's ok if you guys wanna come over

 **buckybangs:** your mom will be cool about clint right

 **buckybangs:** he's already Stressed about skype later

 **rogerthat:** yeah dw

 **rogerthat:** she's not That Kinda Christian

 **buckybangs:** i mean she has u for a child

 **buckybangs:** The Angriest Queer

 **rogerthat:** exactly

 **buckybangs:** yeah ok cool

 **buckybangs:** my fam is just chillin but I know it's like A Deal to go over on christmas for some people

 **buckybangs:** so uh thanks and shit

 **rogerthat:** somehow it's weird to me you have a chill af family

 **rogerthat:** like I forget you guys have a really good relationship

 **rogerthat:** because I would NOT expect that just meeting you in all your fucked up glory

 **buckybangs:** yeah they're not The Source of The Damage

 **rogerthat:** ...was that inappropriate

 **buckybangs:** nah idgaf

 **rogerthat:** you're remarkably self aware

 **rogerthat:** for a disaster human being

 **buckybangs:** omg why do u never say this stuff in the group

 **buckybangs:** they don't know how u roast me constantly!!!

 **rogerthat:** You Can't Prove Anything

   
  


_You have entered the group_ **Eggnog Enemas**

 **buckybangs:** first of all

 **buckybangs:** whoever keeps changing the chat name i fucking love it

 **buckybangs:** fighting the good fight and keeping us sinners at this wholesome time of year

 **buckybangs:** secondly:

 _buckybangs has sent an image:_ **receipts.jpg**

 **buckybangs:** STEVE ROGERS IS SECRETLY A BAD PERSON

 **rogerthat:** OMG

 **spyder:** omg steve

 **spyder:** you ass.

 **birdboy:** I Mean It's True But You Shouldn't Say It

 **falconrulz69:** I thought current policy was we pretend barnes isn't super fucked up

 **falconrulz69:** unless he brings it up first

 **falconrulz69:** at which point we agree because damn that boi is a mess

 **buckybangs:** ^^^^

 **rogerthat:** he literally just said you're fucked up!

 **buckybangs:** uh he was stating the current policy

 **buckybangs:** how can u have rules if u can't discuss them steeb

 **buckybangs:** that way lies facism

 **rogerthat:** that's not what facism is????

 **buckybangs:** ok cis.

 **rogerthat:** wjdirwg;ej

 **birdboy:** LMAO DEAD

 **falconrulz69:** RIP

 **rogerthat:** i have to go my mom is calling goodbye au revoir

 **buckybangs:** let us know when you're home and we'll come over

 **rogerthat:** kk

 **falconrulz69:** wait how do you know where steve lives already

 **spyder:** eyeemoji.gif

 **rogerthat:** ……….

 **buckybangs:** …………………….

 **rogerthat:** I'm sorry I can't read suddenly

 **buckybangs:** gtg see you later gators bye

 **falconrulz69:** omg????  
  


 

 _You have entered the group_ **Jingle Balls**

 **birdboy:** lame chat name

 **birdboy:** not your best work

 **birdboy:** 5/10

 **birdboy:** also

 **birdboy:** STEVE'S MOM ABSOLUTELY THINKS HIM AND BUCKY ARE DATING

 **need4speed:** OMG WHAT IS THIS

 **falconrulz69:** I'M HOWLING

 **rogerthat:** you're dead to me.

 **birdboy:** ALSO HANGING OUT WITH BUCKY IS AN #EDUCATION FOR SARAH

 **birdboy:** I FUCKING WENT TO GET A BEER AND CAME BACK TO HER SAYING 'BUT CAN YOU BE 'DADDY' IF YOU'RE GENDERQUEER, DEAR?'

 **rogerthat:** i want to die someone kill me.

 **falconrulz69:** I'M SCREAMING

 **need4speed:** god is real

 **spyder:** Sam just howled at the dinner table wtf is going on

 **spyder:** OMG BUCKY NO

 **falconrulz69:** BUCKY YES

 **rogerthat:** hello CIA i know you're watching and i'd like someone to assassinate me pls

 **birdboy:** this is the best christmas ever

 **falconrulz69:** please liveblog this in its entirety

 **falconrulz69:** my uncle is talking about jesus again and won't pass the potatoes

 **falconrulz69:** if I can't have carbs then I need some sin

 **spyder:** ...I'll allow it.

 **rogerthat:** HOW ABOUT NO?!??!

 **rogerthat:** ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!

 **birdboy:** 'HOLD ON, WHAT EXACTLY IS 'THE D' IN THIS STORY?'

 **need4speed:** this is living for me

 **falconrulz69:** someone add tony and bruce to the group

 **rogerthat:** ET TU, SAM????

 _You have added_ **meangreen** _and_ **richbitch** _to the group._

 **meangreen:** happy holidays everyone what's the tea

 **spyder:** scroll up

 **meangreen:** omg

 **richbitch:** stevie I can pay for that assassin if you want

 **rogerthat:** I have never hated you more.

 **richbitch:** I'll bring the mistletoe over :*

 **meangreen:** I'm super baked rn but this is the funniest thing ever??

 **need4speed:** a christmas miracle

 **falconrulz69:** the birth of jesus and the death of bucky's chances of ever getting laid

 **rogerthat:** Goodbye you children I'm going to try and salvage this.

 **rogerthat:** Thank you for not helping at all.

 **birdboy:** 'But how can you be thirsty for the d… oh, I see. That's very creative.'

 **rogerthat:** GOODBYE.

   
  


_1 new chat from_ **rogerthat**

 **rogerthat:** WHEN I SAID MY MOM WAS CHILL

 **rogerthat:** I DIDN'T MEAN SHE COULD HEAR ABOUT YOUR DICKVENTURES

 **buckybangs:** tbf she already knew what grindr was

 **buckybangs:** so this isn't entirely my fault

 **rogerthat:** OMG

_You can no longer message this user._

  
  
 

 _You have entered the group_ **Don We Now Our GAY Apparel**

 **buckybangs:** latest effort excludes the rest of the queers

 **buckybangs:** but……….. I support it

 **buckybangs:** grudgingly

 _buckybangs sent an image:_ **mominlaw.jpg**

 _buckybangs sent an image:_ **winewednesdaybuddies.jpg**

 _buckybangs sent an image:_ **mynewfave.jpg**

 **falconrulz69:** I'M ASCENDING

 **falconrulz69:** this is a dry party and nat's flask is Not Enough to lube it up

 **falconrulz69:** thank you for this gift

 **spyder:** have you spent this entire time taking selfies with steve's mom??

 **rogerthat:** I Want To Kill Myself

 **buckybangs:** she wanted to know her angles!

 **buckybangs:** her tinder profile was lacking

 **rogerthat:** OMG???????

 **rogerthat:** leave my house?????

 **rogerthat:** smite yourself???????

 **birdboy:** too late bih we're comfy

 **birdboy:** also steeb is semi drunk and finding this way more amusing than he lets on

 **rogerthat:** excuse u

 **rogerthat:** lies and slander

 **rogerthat:** I have never been less amfused in my life

 **falconrulz69:** amfused

 **birdboy:** amfused

 **spyder:** tag yourself I'm amfused

 **birdboy:** tag yourself I'm steve drunkenly watching his future unfold

 **rogerthat:** TAG YOURSELF I'M ME TRYING TO DO MY DOGAMN BEST

 **falconrulz69:** DOGAMN

 **falconrulz69:** god I love drunk steve

 **rogerthat** _has left the group_ **Don We Now Our GAY Apparel**

 **birdboy:** I think bucky just taught sarah how to take a shot

 **falconrulz69:** thank u baby jesus

 **buckybangs:** she wants to know how to contact kit harrington on twitter

 **buckybangs:** 'winter COULD be coming'

 **falconrulz69:** omg is sarah the id steve constantly represses???

 **spyder:** sarah for group mascot

 **birdboy:** SECONDED  
  


 

 _1 new chat from_ **spyder**

 **spyder:** maybe you should stop this?

 **spyder:** like if this is going to stop bucky and steve pulling their heads out of their asses

 **spyder:** maybe don't let that happen??

 **birdboy:** lmao hell no they've been stringing out this slow burn thing for like

 **birdboy:** i wanna say six months?

 **birdboy:** DON'T WORRY I WON'T LET THAT HAPPEN

 **spyder:** ....are you sure.

 **birdboy:** sarah just made them pose in front of the cmas tree for a couple pic

 **birdboy:** i think we're good

 **spyder:** cmas.

 **birdboy:** I'M DRUNK LEAVE ME ALONE

 **birdboy:** i miss u asshole

 **spyder:** you too dickhead  <3

 

 

 _rogerthat has entered the group_ **Here Cums Santa Claus**

 **rogerthat:** do u think crabs think we walk sideways?

 **spyder:** ……

 **falconrulz69:** I love this day

 **falconrulz69:** tell me someone is screencapping all of this

 **rogerthat:** noo don't tell sober steve he thinks i'm cool

 **rogerthat:** did i tell you guys about slam poetry

 **rogerthat:** it's really cool

 **rogerthat:** it's a proletaruon art form

 **spyder:** is that supposed to be proletarian

 **need4speed:** i don't understant this and i am still alive

 **need4speed:** alive for it?

 **spyder:** living for it

 **need4speed:** yess!!

 **spyder:** are me and sam the only sober ones left standing?

 **falconrulz69:** Reluctantly.

 **buckybangs:** omg you know what this makes you

 **buckybangs:** GROUP MOM AND DAD

 **need4speed:** OMG

 **birdboy:** YES

 **spyder:** no.

 **rogerthat:** no stop thats herteronormatiuve

 **buckybangs:** keysmashing and he's still hot  
  
**buckybangs:** i mean

 **buckybangs:** GROUP MOM AND DAD

 **falconrulz69:** great deflection.

 **buckybangs:** thanks i grew it myself

 **falconrulz69:** I would say steve is group dad

 **falconrulz69:** but as we can see

 **falconrulz69:** Exhibit A: A Mess

 **rogerthat:** exfuckoin scuse you

 **buckybangs:** ...I'm gonna put him to bed

 **need4speed:** with your penis

 **buckybangs:** uh excuse u that handsome mess is definitely incapable of consent

 **buckybangs:** that's not buddies

 **falconrulz69:** can we put a memorandum on saying not buddies next year

 **buckybangs:** no.

 **buckybangs:** right I have to wrestle this warm disaster to bed

 **buckybangs:** sarah, my idol, the icon, has already retired

 **buckybangs:** she added me on facebook first

 **buckybangs:** this holiday is complete

 **spyder:** watch out for steve's elbows

 **spyder:** he's all limbs when he's drunk

 **birdboy:** boi is an octopus

 **birdboy:** later gators

 **birdboy:** merry futzin christmas

  
 

 _You have entered the group_ **everyone but steve**

 **spyder:** the existence of a new clandestine chat concerns me.

 **spyder:** I have a bad feeling about this.

 **buckybangs:** do you ever miss an opportunity to quote star wars

 **buckybangs:** you fucking nerd

 **spyder:** uh no

 **spyder:** do I need to spoil you on the last jedi or…..

 **buckybangs:** I Love A Star War

 **spyder:** mhm

 **falconrulz69:** so uh why have you called us all here today

 **need4speed:** yes we are hungover pls

 **need4speed:** this is important yes

 **buckybangs:** it's really not.

 **birdboy:** STEVE KISSED BUCKY LAST NIGHT

 **buckybangs:** -__-

 **falconrulz69:** OMG

 **spyder:** !!!!!!!!

 **need4speed:** MY DADS

 **buckybangs:** guys

 **buckybangs:** stop

 **spyder:** uh how is this not a good thing?

 **falconrulz69:** we can finally end the hellscape of your slowburn sexual tension this is great??

 **birdboy:** ....he was wasted af and doesn't remember it At All

 **buckybangs** _has left the group_ **everyone but steve**

 **spyder:** oh no

 **falconrulz69:** …..and a happy new yeeeeaar


	6. oo she thicc

_You have entered the group_ **New Year New D**

 **birdboy:** you guys

 **birdboy:** despite his iron constitution, it finally happened

 **birdboy:** bucky!! is !! sick!!

 **falconrulz69:** :O

 **falconrulz69:** that's what you get for avoiding the flu all winter while the rest of us suffered you fuck

 **buckybangs:** i'm not sick.

 **rogerthat:** then why can I hear you coughing from downstairs

 **buckybangs:** fucking traitor.

 **buckybangs:** i'm not sick i don't get sick

 **buckybangs:** i'm too sexy to get sick

 **rogerthat:** sexiness doesn't deter germs

 **buckybangs:** true. you get sick all the time

 **buckybangs:** ;)

 **rogerthat:** I hope you choke on a lozenge.

 **buckybangs:** i could be choking on something else ;)

 **spyder:** stop this now.

 **spyder:** I have a presentation next week, if you get me sick you're dead.

 **spyder:** you're all dead.

 **falconrulz69:** umm……………..

 **spyder:** All Of You.

 **falconrulz69:** damn my wife is ruthless I love it

 **birdboy:** stop getting boners in the group chat

 **need4speed:** too late

 **falconrulz69:** wtf I thought you were still passed out under the table??

 **need4speed:** in sokovia wedrink vodka from birth

 **need4speed:** weak american alchol cant stop me

 **birdboy:** it's true. his rallying time is slavic and remarkable

 **birdboy:** someone come get barnes and put him to bed pls

 **birdboy:** i tried but he's sitting on me and his fat ass won't move

 **rogerthat:** are we bodyshaming now??

 **buckybangs:** oo he thicc

 **buckybangs:** thicc thighs make a dicc rise

 **spyder:** try not to develop body image issues please

 **spyder:** idk if you have room for more

 **buckybangs:** I Promise Nothing

 **birdboy:** STEVE COME GET YOUR BOY

 **birdboy:** sorry *boi

 **birdboy:** we may bodyshame in this chat but we don't misgender

 **rogerthat:** I cannot communicate how hard I'm rolling my eyes right now.

 **rogerthat:** I have to go to work, deal with him yourself

 **rogerthat:** or let him die idgaf

 **buckybangs:** aww steebie you say the sweetest things

 **rogerthat:** perish.

 **falconrulz69:** for a supposedly friendly group chat we threaten death on an alarmingly regular basis

 **spyder:** are you really friends if you don't try and kill each other?

 **birdboy:** these are the kind of screencaps I show my therapist

 **buckybangs:** bih all u do with your therapist is roast the cis

 **birdboy:** THAT'S THERAPEUTIC

 **rogerthat:** as a cis

 **birdboy:** I Have Never Cared Less About The End Of A Sentence.

 **falconrulz69:** LMAOOOOOOO

 **buckybangs:** I'M SCREAMING ASIE;FK'P

 **rogerthat:** I HAVE TO GO TO WORK IMMEDIATELY GOODBYE.

 **buckybangs:** GOODBI

 **birdboy:** GAYBI

 

 _You have entered the group_ **Gayville USA**

 **falconrulz69:** stop changing the chat name I keep accidentally almost sending roasts to my fam chat

 **falconrulz69:** IT WOULDN'T FIT IN WELL WITH THE WALL TO WALL JESUS MEMES

 **falconrulz69:** anyway

 **falconrulz69:** I went past steve's coffee shop after class

 **falconrulz69:** and OMG HIS NEW BOSS IS HOT

 **birdboy:** WHAT

 **falco** **nrulz69** _sent an image_ **omgpeggy.jpg**

 **birdboy:** DAMN STEVE.

 **spyder:** suddenly, I Am Gay

 **falconrulz69:** tbh I don't even blame you

 **need4speed:** this lady makes me het

 **need4speed:** what is penis i don't know him

 **buckybangs:** HELLO

 **buckybangs:** she's too pretty to look at damn she's like the sun

 **rogerthat:** uh wtf are we trading pics of my workmates now??

 **falconrulz69:** dude we chatted for like 30min where were you

 **rogerthat:** working maybe???

 **birdboy:** seems fake

 **falconrulz69:** unsurprisingly, steve's crush on peggy can be seen from space 

 **falconrulz69:** the one time he spoke to us his ears were pink

 **falconrulz69:** and that only happens when barnes aggressively compliments him and he pretends to hate it but is secretly at a half chub the entire time

 **buckybangs:** um wtf

 **rogerthat:** ummmm????

 **falconrulz69:** ANYWAY

 **falconrulz69:** steve has a crush on his hot boss

 **rogerthat:** I Do Not??!????!?!

 **birdboy:** seems FAKER

 **spyder:** it's ok steve we all do now

 **buckybangs:** I don't.

 **birdboy:** SEEMS FAKEST

 **falconrulz69:** and also

 **falconrulz69:** while he was crushvoiding her I got her number and social media deets

 **rogerthat:** UM WTF 

 **rogerthat:** RUDE AF

 **rogerthat:** DON'T U DARE SHE THINKS I'M NORMAL

 **birdboy:** I ABSOLUTELY LOVE WHERE THIS IS HEADING

 **buckybangs:** I DON'T

 _You have added_ **cheekynandos** _to the group._

 **cheekynandos:** Where am I?

 **birdboy:** alice, welcome to wonderland

 **falconrulz69:** hey it's sam from this afternoon!

 **cheekynandos:** Omg hi!!!

 **rogerthat:** peggy I'm so sorry

 **cheekynandos:** Is that you Steve?

 **rogerthat:** unfortunately yes.

 **rogerthat:** I'm sorry my terrible friends have brought you into this hellscape.

 **spyder:** hi peggy it's sam's extremely hot gf natasha

 **spyder:** would you hypothetically be interested in a……. manage a trois situation

 **spyder:** asking for a friend

 **falconrulz69:** aadkalwe;fkjf;l I love my wife!!!

 **rogerthat:** why are you all like this.

 **cheekynandos:** Well, that's very flattering

 **cheekynandos:** Hold on, are you Natasha Romanoff?

 **spyder:** romanov yep

 **cheekynandos:** I follow you on Instagram!! Hello!

 **spyder:** hi ;)

 **birdboy:** is it still weird to anyone else that nat is IG famous

 **spyder:** not to anyone with eyes.

 **birdboy:** akdl;scko i have to goooo

 **rogerthat:** look can we at least pretend to be normal?

 **rogerthat:** around my boss??

 **need4speed:** HI PEGGY I LOV U

 **rogerthat:** ....please.

 **cheekynandos:** Sam suggested I come to your party on Friday night, if that's alright with everyone?

 **cheekynandos:** I don't know many people here yet so it would be nice to - as the Americans say - hang

 **spyder:** first of all that was way too much grammar

 **spyder:** which is adorable

 **spyder:** secondly are you sure you want to willingly put yourself in a room with these fools

 **birdboy:** yeah steve lied to you he isn't normal

 **rogerthat:** ummm!!!! lies!!!!!!! slander!!!!!!!!!! offensive content!!!!!!!!!!!

 **falconrulz69:** yeah he's not chill either

 **rogerthat:** idk what you're talking about.

 **spyder:** eyeemoji.gif

 **rogerthat:** I'm SUPER CHILL all the time

 **buckybangs:** steve rogers: ice queen

 **buckybangs:** watch out elsa we got a weave snatcher over here

 **rogerthat:** I HAVE NEVER BEEN DRAMATIC ONCE WHY ARE YOU BULLYING ME

 **birdboy:** Steve??? Dramatic??

 **buckybangs:** Never!

 **spyder:** Never Ever!

 **falconrulz69:** Not Once!

 **need4speed:** he is always relax!

 **falconrulz69:** totally chill all the time!

 **cheekynandos:** Yesterday he gave a lecture about deforestation because someone ordered an almond milk latte.

 **cheekynandos:** It lasted fifteen minutes.

 **cheekynandos:** There was a diagram.

 **falconrulz69:** YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

 **buckybangs:** I'M HOWLING

 **birdboy:** QKX,A;LZ/ZZO-OP;[PL,. I CANT IM DEAD

 **birdboy:** tag yourself i'm the latte

 **buckybangs:** i'm the diagram

 **falconrulz69:** I'M PEGGY BRINGING THE PREMIUM BLONDE ROAST

 **rogerthat:** PEGGY WHY

 **cheekynandos:** :)

 **spyder:** ok peggy is definitely coming on friday

 **spyder:** hopefully in multiple ways ;)

 **spyder:** sidebar since when are we having a party on friday?

 **falconrulz69:** since I found out peggy is Savage and we needed to absorb her into the squad

 **spyder:** I knew I kept you around for a reason

 **falconrulz69:** true love!!!!!!!!!

 **need4speed:** can i bring my friends

 **buckybangs:** u don't have friends

 **need4speed:** ummmm first of all who will fuck ur face now

 **buckybangs:** You Are Popular

 **falconrulz69:** why is everyone fucking the twins all of a sudden

 **birdboy:** bucky fucks everyone

 **buckybangs:** tru

 **birdboy:** except his true love……………..

 **buckybangs:** akdlckeiop'; you motherfucjergfwk NOT BUDDIES

 **need4speed:** this is very tragic

 **need4speed:** but i don't care can i bring my friends pls

 **buckybangs:** are these the guys from the international soc

 **need4speed:** yes

 **buckybangs:** including the jacked jock with Dat Ass

 **birdboy:** All Hail Dat Ass

 **need4speed:** yes thor is single now

 **buckybangs:** YES BRING THEM OMG DADDY CUM FROM THE LAND OF ICE AND SNOW YAASS!!!

 **rogerthat:** can we stop. just. stop.

 **cheekynandos:** What kind of party is this?

 **falconrulz69:** don't worry it's not a weird sex thing

 **falconrulz69:** bucky is just a Relentless Thot

 **buckybangs:** i got offended when i read that and then realised it's true

 **cheekynandos:** Oh you're /the/ Bucky.

 **buckybangs:** ….i mean how many buckys do you know but pls continue

 **cheekynandos:** I just didn't realise you and Steve had an open relationship, that's all.

 **falconrulz69:** ……………

 **birdboy:** omg

 **birdboy:** here gon hell come

 **rogerthat:** no we're not together peg

 **rogerthat:** we're just friends

 **rogerthat:** we don't bang or anything, definitely not together

 **cheekynandos:** Oh I see. Sorry, must have got my wires crossed somewhere!

 **buckybangs** _has left the group._

 **spyder:** ...this should be fun.

 

 

 _1 new chat from_ **meangreen**

 **meangreen:** quick question do you take your glasses off or keep them on during sex

 **rogerthat:** um that's none of your biz??

 **rogerthat:** fuaxkoeing why??

 **meangreen:** just wondered if everything was a surprise in the sack

 **meangreen:** or u like click your tongue and echolocate

 **meangreen:** like a bat

 **rogerthat:** omg?????????????????????

 **rogerthat:** bruce you wear glasses??????????

 **meangreen:** i'm super baked rn

_You can no longer message this user._

 

 

 _You have entered the group_ **assASSins**

 **spyder:** love the name but why make a group with just two of us

 **birdboy:** i'm gonna add buck in a min

 **birdboy:** I Have Concerns

 **spyder:** don't we all

 **birdboy:** i mean

 **birdboy** _has sent an image:_ **hotmess.jpg**

 **spyder:** ffs

 **spyder:** when was this?

 **birdboy:** found him passed out in the tub weds evening, he's been going strong since then

 **spyder:** I'm balls deep in my presentation rn or I'd come over early

 **spyder:** is he still sick?

 **birdboy:** coughing his lungs up while explaining he's Totally Fine

 **birdboy:** drinking vodka for breakfast while insisting he's Totally Fine

 **birdboy:** being Super Normal and Totally Fine around steve especially

 **birdboy:** there's been a lot of 'isn't it funny i'm so damaged that i'm completely unloveable hahaha' type shit

 **spyder:** dammit bucky.

 **spyder:** ok add him in

 _You have added_ **buckybangs** _to the group._

 **buckybangs:** sup

 **spyder:** Drink some water you fucking disaster.

 **buckybangs:** *terry jeffords voice* damn rosa

 **spyder:** why are you spiralling.

 **buckybangs:** who tf says 'm sprialing

 **birdboy:** uh everyone who can see you

 **buckybangs:** TRAITOR

 **birdboy:** YOU'RE WELCOME

 **spyder:** is this about peggy and steve

 **buckybangs:** why would it be about peggy and steve.

 **buckybangs:** who are they i don't know them.

 **buckybangs:** clint did you take the fucking pills out of my bag

 **birdboy:** GTGTGTGTGTGTGTTGGTGG

 **buckybangs:** i fucking hte you

 **spyder:** look it's okay to be upset about steve

 **spyder:** he doesn't remember kissing you and that sucks

 **spyder:** and it's hard to see someone you like being into someone else

 **spyder:** but you and rejection don't mix and you don't need to add substances in there too

 **buckybangs:** no its fine.

 **buckybangs:** i mean i've met her now and she's really nice.

 **buckybangs:** of course he has a crush on her.

 **buckybangs:** why wouldn't he.

 **buckybangs:** and she's funny and smart.

 **buckybangs:** and not all fucked up and damaged.

 **buckybangs:** she's like the opposite of a self destructive mess.

 **buckybangs:** exactly the kind of person steve deserves.

 **spyder:** I take it you're not coming to the party later

 **buckybangs:** i'm alreqady downtown

 **buckybangs:** i have work so

 **birdboy:** I really don't think you're in a good place to escort for some creepy guy rn

 **buckybangs:** why not

 **buckybangs:** its all i'm good at

 **birdboy:** you know that's not true come on

 **birdboy:** also you're still sick that's a reason not to go

 **spyder:** look come over and take a nap here if you don't wanna go back to the house

 **spyder:** you really shouldn't be out there rn it's not safe

 **buckybangs** _has left the group._

 **birdboy:** god. dammit.

 

 

 _1 new chat from_ **spyder**

 **spyder:** pick up your phone please

 **spyder:** at least tell me where you're working

 **spyder:** I stg if you get yourself dumped in an alley I'll resurrect you just to kill you myself 

_You can no longer message this user._

 

 

 _You have entered the group_ **oo she thicc**

 **spyder:** if anyone gets a message from bucky let me know immediately

 **falconrulz69:** 10-4

 **rogerthat:** I haven't seen him all day wtf is he doing now

 **spyder:** poorly coping with raked up abandonment trauma and disgustingly low self esteem

 **spyder:** spiralling into self destructive behaviour because he's convinced himself he's fundamentally broken and unloveable

 **spyder:** in a nutshell.

 **birdboy:** ………..is it bad to say this is awkward af

 **falconrulz69:** I Mean It's True But He Shouldn't Say It

 **birdboy:** does sam meme now? I'm into it tbh

 **birdboy:** Fully Erect

 **falconrulz69:** ;)

 **rogerthat:** stop this.

 **rogerthat:** you're bad people.

 **spyder:** eyeemoji.gif

 **rogerthat:** ok we're ALL bad people

 **rogerthat:** but seriously

 **rogerthat:** can we please figure out how to get my boyfriend out of his self destructive PTSD bullshit before we start memeing about it?

 **spyder:** …………………………………

 **falconrulz69:** EXCUSE FHI$HNE????

 **rogerthat:** what??

 **need4speed:** i am alive i am awake i have skin my corns are growing

 **falconrulz69:** please learn memes in english

 **birdboy:** YOUR WHAT

 **rogerthat:** what did I say

 **spyder:** SCROLL BACK UP YOU FUCKING POTATO

 **rogerthat:** ………

 **rogerthat** _has left the group_ **oo she thicc**

 **falconrulz69:** so is that official or

 **spyder:** freudian slip

 **birdboy:** yeah they still haven't discussed What Did(n't) Happen At Christmas

 **birdboy:** plus we wouldn't be in this mess if they would just GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER

 **need4speed:** I am from a divorce home my fathers have no love

 

 

 _1 new message from_ **rogerthat**

  
**rogerthat:** where the fuck are you 

 **buckybangs:** uh hi nice to see u too

 **rogerthat:** nat says you haven't been sober for three days

 **rogerthat:** you're sick and you're gonna end up in the emergency room

 **buckybangs:** who the fuck cares

 **rogerthat:** I care.

 **rogerthat:** tell me where you are and I'll come get you

 **buckybangs:** you have a party to be at

 **rogerthat:** do you think I give a fuck

 **buckybangs:** you should give a fuck

 **buckybangs:** peggy is really smart and nice

 **rogerthat:** ??? so??

 **buckybangs:** you have a crush on her

 **rogerthat:** yeah so?????????????

 **buckybangs:** so you could have a good thing with peggy

 **rogerthat:** ……….

 **rogerthat:** I don't want a good thing with peggy

 **buckybangs:** but she's awesome

 **rogerthat:** crushes are crushes

 **rogerthat:** plus she's my boss

 **rogerthat:** and incidentally so, so gay

 **rogerthat:** is that what's upset you? you think I wanna date peggy?

 **buckybangs:** no

 **rogerthat:** eyeemoji.gif

 **buckybangs:** stop that's nats thing

 **buckybangs:** it's just

 **buckybangs:** peggy's so great and the kinda person you deserve and

 **buckybangs:** i'm such a fucking mess i drag you down just being your friend

 **buckybangs:** and when you kissed me i thought maybe…… but it wouldn't work because i'm a hot mess and always will be

 **buckybangs:** i poison everyone and i ruin everything

 **buckybangs:** i'm broken and you don't deserve that

 **rogerthat:** ………...when did I kiss you?

 **buckybangs:** it doesn't matter

 **buckybangs:** look i gotta go i'm meeting a guy in 10

 **rogerthat:** buck

 **rogerthat:** please let me come get you

 **rogerthat:** I'm worried and I care

 **rogerthat:** stop being a dick and tell me where you are you fucking douche

 **rogerthat:** I have nat's uber friend code and I need to see you with my eyes

 **buckybangs:** ….okay

 

 

 _You have entered the group_ **2 gay 4 u**

  
**rogerthat:** hey 

 **spyder:** WHERE THE ABSOLUTE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN

 **birdboy:** i'm running and hiding omg

 **falconrulz69:** my girl brought out the all caps I'm taking cover

 **need4speed:** hungover russian yelling its just like home

 **spyder:** ?????

 **rogerthat:** sorry I had to turn my phone off

 **rogerthat:** we're just getting out of the ER

 **birdboy:** UMMMMMM!!!!!!

 **falconrulz69:** nat is about to burst a vein man talk fast

 **rogerthat:** he's fine, just got dehydrated and has antibiotics for some kinda chest thing because he's a fucking idiot

 **rogerthat:** doesn't get sick my ass

 **cheekynandos:** So you're both okay?

 **cheekynandos:** We were all concerned when you took off, Steve.

 **cheekynandos:** It's irresponsible to just run off like that without telling anyone where you're going.

 **rogerthat:** because you've never done that ever not like when you took off to get teagan and sarah tix in the middle of your shift not at all

 **cheekynandos:** ...I won't dignify that with a response. 

 **rogerthat:** I'M NOT THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO GET YELLED AT

 **rogerthat:** I'M JUST TRYNA DO MY BEST GODDAMN

 **rogerthat:** we're both fine, heading back to the house now

 **rogerthat:** sorry I just disappeared last night, I was worried

 **spyder:** it's ok I forgive you

 **spyder:** BUT BOI IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN

 **need4speed:** is anyone else have a boner rn

 **falconrulz69:** Stay In Your Lane.

 **rogerthat:** SORRY I PROMISE TO BE MORE SENSIBLE

 **birdboy:** when have you ever been sensible in your life

 **rogerthat:** says the guy who tried to backflip off the porch last night

 **birdboy:** I LANDED IT

 **falconrulz69:** I wouldn't call that landing

 **rogerthat:** ANYWAY

 **rogerthat:** we're on our way crisis averted

 **spyder:** so did you two actually talk then?

 **rogerthat:** talk about what

 **spyder:** ……………….

 **rogerthat:** sorry I have to go immediately

 **cheekynandos:** Sorry if this is out of line, but you two are the most willfully obtuse motherfuckers I've ever met in my entire life.

 **rogerthat** _has left the group._

 **falconrulz69:** OMG

 **need4speed:** TEA - SPILLED. DICK - OUT.

 **birdboy:** i'm such a hardcore peggy stan rn

 **spyder:**  I am........ surrounded.........by idiots.......


	7. Homo is Where the Heart is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: there is a childish but good-natured joke referencing being emo and self-harm, using the phrase 'wrist-slittey', just a heads up.

_You have entered the group_ **Homo is Where the Heart is**

 **falconrulz69:** remember how I told you motherfuckers to stop changing the group name

 **falconrulz69:** I JUST SHARED THIS IN THE FAM CHAT

 **falconrulz69** _sent an image:_ **bringmedabooty.jpg**

**falconrulz69:** I THINK MY AUNT IS COMING ALL THE WAY FROM GEORGIA TO BEAT MY ASS SEND HELP

 **spyder:** I mean she should since your memes are older than you

 **falconrulz69:** we're getting a divorce

 **need4speed:** MOM AND DAD NO

 **falconrulz69:** I thought dumb and dumber were your fathers

 **need4speed:** i can have many parents sam is 2018

 **need4speed:** enter the modern world

 **need4speed:** ride the dragon. snake the drain.

 **falconrulz69:** only one of those means what you think it means

 **need4speed:** what i think it memes

 **spyder:** I thought things would be less ridiculous with bucky gone but nope

 **spyder:** you're all still idiots

 **birdboy:** gotta keep the memes alive for our fallen sibling

 **falconrulz69:** lost in the line of duty

 **need4speed:** RIP

 **rogerthat:** he's just at home, not fucking dead.

 **birdboy:** tell that to your mourning ass

 **falconrulz69:** how is our favourite hot mess anyway

 **falconrulz69:** I know he got his phone confiscated but I refuse to believe his gay ass hasn't found a way to keep annoying us

 **birdboy:** last night he called from the house phone and rambled for like two hours about how empowering praying by kesha is

 **spyder:** so the usual

 **falconrulz69:** I forgot he's even worse sober omg

 **rogerthat:** can we maybe not roast someone working on their post traumatic shit.

 **birdboy:** considering the latest trauma was not dating you because you're both stupid af

 **birdboy:** uhhhhh we're gonna

 **rogerthat** _has left the group._

 _You have added_ **rogerthat** _to the group._

 **birdboy:** COME BACK WE'RE SORRY

 **spyder:** I'm not

 **spyder:** but we roast because we love

 **rogerthat:** maybe just be nice for once??

 **birdboy:** who is nice i don't know her

 **cheekynandos** _has entered the group._

 **cheekynandos:** Hi everyone how's it going?

 **falconrulz69:** steve's flouncing dramatically and crying about his bf

 **rogerthat:** he's not my bf!!!!!

 **birdboy:** surejan.gif

 **cheekynandos:** Oh yes, I'm well aware.

 **cheekynandos:** Work has been… interesting.

 **rogerthat:** valentines day is just capitalist bullshit

 **cheekynandos:** I know, you kept telling people who ordered the specials.

 **cheekynandos:** And drawing frowny faces in the foam instead of hearts.

 **spyder:** omg steve.

 **rogerthat:** look I'm just a socialist tryna hack it

 **birdboy:** i thought you were an anarchist

 **rogerthat:** identity is fluid

 **birdboy:** stop

 **rogerthat:** make me

 **birdboy:** oh i'll make you

 **rogerthat:** I'd like to see you try

 **cheekynandos:** Am I the only one getting sexual tension here?

 **falconrulz69:** yes

 **spyder:** our 2 smallest manfriends can't bone

 **spyder:** I won't allow it

 **spyder:** that much rage in one place could create a black hole and fuck up the space time continuum

 **birdboy:** steve u wanna bone to piss nat off

 **rogerthat:** Absolutely Not

 **redwitch:** I leave for five min and my friend boy is after the d

 **redwitch:** i see how it is

 **redwitch:** pussypass revoked.

 **birdboy:** jiflsjgr;rpogjopgw

 **birdboy:** i'm crying i have regrets

 **rogerthat:** you all suck.

 **falconrulz69:** so bucky hasn't been calling YOU then

 **falconrulz69:** is what I'm getting

 **spyder:** eyeemoji.gif

 **rogerthat** _has left the group._

 **cheekynandos:** Always so dramatic.

 

 

 _1 new chat from_ **buckybangs**

 **buckybangs:** NEW YORK SUCKS

 **rogerthat:** keep my city's name out ya mouth

 **rogerthat:** but omg they let you have your phone back finally??

 **buckybangs:** my parents are at work and they've never changed their hiding spots

 **buckybangs:** i thought i lucked out with the liquor cabinet, but the vodka is just water from where i stole and replaced it when i was a kid

 **buckybangs:** i'm so fucking bored

 **rogerthat:** you're in literally one of the biggest cities in the world just like… go do something??

 **buckybangs:** i'm not allowed

 **buckybangs:** i'm on house arrest

 **buckybangs:** my sisters are driving me fucking crazy

 **buckybangs:** *crazier

 **rogerthat:** well yeah that's what happens when you go on a drug binge with the flu and end up in the emergency room on your parents insurance

 **buckybangs:** uh first of all it wasn't a drug binge so jot that down

 **buckybangs:** second of all come hang out with me

 **rogerthat:** you know I would if I could

 **buckybangs:** yeah i guess

 **rogerthat:** are you like less death spirally yet or

 **rogerthat:** like on a scale of my chemical romance to fall out boy how wrist slittey are you currently

 **buckybangs:** again, why don't u say this stuff in the group

 **buckybangs:** they think you're sweet and nice and it's a LIE

 **buckybangs:** i'm reporting you to the internet

 **rogerthat:** ;)

 **buckybangs:** i'm alright. parents are making me go back to therapy so

 **buckybangs:** i'll be back before the end of the semester

 **buckybangs:** with all my crazy stuffed in a shiny new box

 **rogerthat:** good

 **rogerthat:** it's too quiet here without you

 **buckybangs:** i thought u hated my constant disasters

 **rogerthat:** I never said hated.

 **rogerthat:** clint said you've been calling and rambling about kesha

 **buckybangs:** …..i've been kind of messy

 **buckybangs:** therapy brings a lot of shit up... i didn't want you to have to deal with that

 **rogerthat:** buck I know you're a mess

 **rogerthat:** I still like you

 **rogerthat:** you don't have to hide it ok

 **buckybangs:** …………….i have to go my parents are getting home soon bye

 **buckybangs:** also it's not fair to say things that make me miss u when i can't hug u

 **rogerthat:** UMMM

_You can no longer message this user._

 

 _You have entered the group_ **Homo is Where the Heart is**

 **thorny:** HELLO PIETRO'S FRIENDS HOW IS OUR COFFEE

 **birdboy:** it's what's the tea thor

 **birdboy:** god you're so dumb and hot

 **redwitch:** ^^^

 **thorny:** THANK

 **thorny:** I COME HERE WITH A MISSION

 **thorny:** CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO TURN CAPS OFF

 **thorny:** I APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN TROLLED

 **falconrulz69:** I would but it's funny

 **birdboy:** i honestly don't okow

 **falconrulz69:** okow

 **birdboy:** leave me alone i'm stoned

 **thorny:** THIS GROUP IS NOT AS HELPFUL AS I EXPECTED

 **spyder:** rule number 1 with us is lower your expectations

 **spyder:** rule number 2 is lower them again

 **spyder:** rule number 3 is get tested every 30 days

 **birdboy:** ha she said number 2

 **spyder:** why are we friends

 **falconrulz69:** is anyone like, free rn

 **falconrulz69:** steve is face down on my bed groaning

 **falconrulz69:** and like… he's been there for at least an hour it's time to stop

 **birdboy:** he's still pining?

 **thorny:** I SUGGEST INTOXICANTS

 **spyder:** yes. but with what money…..

 _You have added_ **richbitch** _and_ **meangreen** _to the chat._

 **falconrulz69:** got any science hooch going

 **falconrulz69:** or like a giant amount of weed

 **falconrulz69:** maybe happy pills of some kind

 **richbitch:** do I look like a drug dealer?

 **spyder:** do you want an answer to that.

 **richbitch:** I retract my question immediately

 **spyder:** I love being feared

 **meangreen:** I have weed

 **meangreen:** bucky still owes me for last time though

 **falconrulz69:** yeah he's not here

 **falconrulz69:** hence we're trying to cheer up his tiny bf

 **birdboy:** did u just actually use the word hence

 **falconrulz69:** I AM A HIGHLY EDUCATED PERSON

 **richbitch:** why isn't Sir Sluts a Lot around to keep stevie going

 **richbitch:** he needs rage top ups at least once a day

 **richbitch:** I wrote a manual on care and feeding come on people

 **spyder:** bucky's back in new york

 **birdboy:** not that its any of your business………

 **meangreen:** oh shit yeah I heard about that

 **meangreen:** didn't he OD and get kicked out

 **birdboy:** no.

 **birdboy:** who the fuck did you hear that from.

 **birdboy:** i just wanna talk i swear.

 **falconrulz69:** when can we stop picking fights with people we like

 **birdboy:** WHEN THEY STOP SPREADING RUMOURS ABOUT MY BOI

 **thorny:** I TOO ENJOY THE PROSPECT OF COMBAT

 **birdboy:**  I LIKE YOU

 **spyder:** so many caps

 **falconrulz69:** no bruce. through a dumb series of events he went to the ER and now he's out sick for a while

 **meangreen:** damn that sucks. sorry, I wasn't trying to talk shit or anything

 **spyder:** it's ok, clint is of below average height and above average rage

 **birdboy:** ummm??????

 **richbitch:** why doesn't lil stevie just go see him if he's fully changed dwarves from Grumpy to Mopey

 **spyder:** first, that roast was so dry the sahara sued it for copyright infringement

 **spyder:**  it was practically a taylor swift lyric

 **falconrulz69:** WEAK

 **falconrulz69:** TELL EM

 **spyder:** secondly, most of us can't afford a plane ticket out of the blue

 **richbitch:** huh. I never considered that.

 **birdboy:** you are the worst omg

 **richbitch:** I mean I have been considering becoming a sugar daddy

 **birdboy:** let's get brunch tomorrow!

 **redwitch:** eyeemoji.gif

 **birdboy:** djewifgo;efi i have to goooooo

 **falconrulz69:** enough of this bullshit

 **falconrulz69:** is anyone gonna help me get steve wasted so he can emote

 **falconrulz69:** without hiding behind a mountain of rage and pining

 **thorny:** I AM AVAILABLE TO ASSIST OUR WOUNDED COMPANION IN THIS MATTER

 **birdboy:** yeah let's just go to the sports bar on 10th

 **birdboy:** they don't card

 **spyder:** aren't you banned for hustling pool there

 **birdboy:** that was before T

 **birdboy:** they won't recognise me now and i gotta make beer money somehow

 **spyder:** I can't communicate the magnitude of my eye roll.

 **birdboy:** i like angles sue me!!!!!

 **falconrulz69:** steve is in, he's finally got off my gotdamn bed to go shower so he'll meet us @ nat's

 **falconrulz69:** SQUAD, ASSEMBLE

 

 _1 new chat from_ **richbitch**

 **richbitch** _has sent an attachment:_ **boardingpass.pdf**

 **rogerthat:** wtf is this

 **richbitch:** just open it

 **rogerthat:** if this is nudes I stg

 **rogerthat:**.......you bought me a ticket to new york???

 **richbitch:** as much as I love to see you suffer

 **richbitch:** and believe me, I do

 **rogerthat:** tony.

 **richbitch:** you've got a bad habit of loving disasters

 **richbitch:** as your last one, it's the least I could do

 **richbitch:** go get your boy you dumb fuck.

_You can no longer message this user._

 

 _You have entered the group_ **Homo is Where the Heart is**

 **falconrulz69:** steve are you coming or not

 **falconrulz69:** the pool table ain't gonna reserve itself

 **falconrulz69:** anyone seen smol blond and angry since I left??

 **need4speed:** he's not at home rn

 **falconrulz69:** why are you in our house???

 **need4speed:** popcorn

 **falconrulz69:** smh buy your own food omg

 **falconrulz69:** how do you even have a key??

 **need4speed:** in sokovia we are our own key

 **need4speed:** weak american locks can't keep me out

 **spyder:** so where is steve

 **birdboy:** idk i haven't seen him since this morning

 **rogerthat:** uh… so I'm gonna have to raincheck on the bar, sorry sam

 **falconrulz69:** nw but like… we JUST decided to go? you ok?

 **spyder:** where are you?

 **rogerthat:** I'm kind of on my way to the airport.

 **birdboy:** UMMMMMMMM

 **spyder:**???????????

 **falconrulz69:** WHAT

 **rogerthat: ….** I'm kinda going to NY

 **falconrulz69:** ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GONNA ROM COM THIS SHIT AGAIN

 **falconrulz69:** LIKE FOR REAL

 **need4speed:** MY DADS I'M ALIVE

 **spyder:**!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **birdboy:** YOU BROKE NAT STEVE SHE'S YELLING

 **birdboy:** WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING????

 **rogerthat:** TRYING NOT TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK OKAY

 **spyder:** does he even know you're coming??

 **rogerthat:** no

 **rogerthat:** I wasn't sure I was going until five minutes before I left

 **rogerthat:** I have no idea what I'm doing

 **falconrulz69:** listen man, you got this

 **falconrulz69:** he's gonna be stoked to see you

 **birdboy:** yeah like idk what your dumb ass is doing either but i support it

 **spyder:** ^^^^^

 **rogerthat:**...you're not just gonna roast me for this?

 **spyder:** WE LOVE YOU YOU IDIOT FFS

 **need4speed:** i'm sending good luck wanda is making a spell

 **falconrulz69:** newsflash asshole: WE'VE BEEN ROOTING FOR YOU THE WHOLE TIME

 **birdboy:** we roast because we're millennial shitbags not because we don't love u

 **rogerthat:** okay I'm here

 **rogerthat:** I'm really doing this

 **rogerthat:** I'm actually gonna fly across the country to see my dumb friend just because I miss him.

 **falconrulz69:** facepalm.gif

 **birdboy:** steve.

 **spyder:** darling, dearest, sweet summer child

 **spyder:** I think it's officially beyond friendship at this point

 **birdboy:** even your in denial ass can't think this is a platonic friend thing

 **falconrulz69:** you caught feelings. all the feelings. deal with it.

 **rogerthat:** …...shit.

 

 

 _1 new chat from_ **rogerthat**

 **rogerthat:** are you awake

 **buckybangs:** always

 **buckybangs:** sup

 **rogerthat:** look out your window


	8. New Phone Who Dis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW non-explicit mention of past sexual abuse and self harm mention, in keeping with the general tone

_You have entered the group_ **Sinners R Us**

 **buckybangs:** and then he fell over because the boombox was too heavy

 **falconrulz69:** ARE YOU SRS

 **birdboy:** I'M FUCKOSGNIG HOWLING

 **spyder:** where did he even get a boombox from??

 **buckybangs:** idek the 80s maybe

 **rogerthat:** omg there was no boombox stfu

 **rogerthat:** sick of the fakes sick of the lies

 **falconrulz69:** the fact we all absolutely believe your hipster ass would stand outside your crushes window with a boombox says a lot tho

 **rogerthat:** I don't have a crush.

 **falconrulz69:** omg

 **spyder:** are we doing this again because really

 **need4speed:** wanda is making a curse

 **birdboy:** steve i'm gonna clothesline u into another universe

 **rogerthat:** I don't have a crush!!

 **rogerthat:** I have a boyfriend.

 **birdboy:** YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS

 **falconrulz69:** FUCKING FINALLY

 **need4speed:** MY DADS I AM SO ALIVE

 **buckybangs:** tag urself i'm the boyfriend

 **spyder:** I was ready to beat your ass steve omg

 **rogerthat:** why does everyone always threaten me with violence???

 **falconrulz69:** idk you're loveable but also punchable

 **rogerthat:** homophobic!!!!

 **birdboy:** i won't stand for this dumb gay erasure

 **birdboy:** let steve be gay and stupid

 **birdboy:** he's #valid

 **rogerthat:** I hate you all so much

 **rogerthat:** I tried to do a good thing?? that worked out?? and I get dragged??

 **spyder:** I mean if you flew cross country for me I'd date you too

 **spyder:** mainly to get to your rich friend who bought the ticket but still

 **falconrulz69:** I love my wife!!!

 **buckybangs:** anyway we're flying back today

 **buckybangs:** if you motherfuckers aren't at the airport with congrats ur not crazy balloons i stg

 **falconrulz69:** are you like allowed to come back or is steve kidnapping you

 **buckybangs:** uh excuse u fam i'm a grown adult i can kidnap myself

 **need4speed:** so u still crazy or chill now

 **rogerthat:** pietro.

 **buckybangs:** dw i'm still crazy af and down to take all kinda drugs

 **need4speed:** i love my dad

 **birdboy:** ok tho tag yourselves: wine mom, vodka aunt, beer dad, weed uncle

 **birdboy:** i'm weed uncle obvi

 **falconrulz69:** no wait I can outmeme you here

 **birdboy:** dmweof;er i'm listening

 **buckybangs:** eyeemoji.gif

 **spyder:** don't steal my brand.

 **falconrulz69:** 'we got food at home' - me, nat, peggy

 **falconrulz69:** 'pulls into the drive thru and orders 1 black coffee' - steve

 **falconrulz69:** 'mcdonalds! mcdonalds!' - THE REST OF Y'ALL MESSES

 **birdboy:** I;M HOWLIGN WHY IS THSAT SO ACCURATE

 **buckybangs:** does sam meme for real now

 **buckybangs:** how long was i gone for

 **buckybangs:** also lmao this accurate steve drag

 **rogerthat:** I mean at first I got offended but that's absolutely true

 **rogerthat:** except I would never go to the capitalist hellhole that is macdonalds

 **spyder:** we've all heard the rant

 **spyder:** also note how I'm absolutely not mentioning that you work at a major corporate coffee chain.

 **rogerthat:** ajaslkdsli I could be taking it down from the inside

 **spyder:** and you don't share your discount.

 **birdboy:** he gets a discount???

 **falconrulz69:** wtf I've been paying full price for coffee like a chump??

 **spyder:**  this isn't the 40s who says chump??

 **buckybangs:** ……...i use his discount i figured everyone else did too????

 **need4speed:** no he was tell you he wanted the D-iscount ;)

 **birdboy:** i hate that so much

 **rogerthat:** look I'm weak and you were sad one time and I just never told you to stop using it

 **need4speed:** also horny

 **rogerthat:** perish.

 **buckybangs:** you gave me that discount like… the day we met

 **rogerthat:** …….I'm sorry I'm receiving an important call I have to go

 **birdboy:** this week's buzzfeed unsolved mystery: just how long has steve been dying of thirst

 **birdboy:** just how vast was the dickdesert

 **birdboy:** let's get into the theories

 **falconrulz69:** ugh I just realised we're gonna get them being gross and cute instead of just gross

 **falconrulz69:** like instead of sexually charged bickering they're gonna be nice to each other and shit

 **falconrulz69:** I'm moving out for at least the next 6mo

 **buckybangs:** if it makes u feel better i have no intention of being nice to steve

 **rogerthat:** yeah I think he's even more of a douche since we actually worked things out

 **birdboy:** is that steve talk for boned

 **rogerthat:** ASMDSKLS;F WHY DO WE HAVE TO PRY INTO MY SEX LIFE????

 **spyder:** have you met us

 **falconrulz69:** yeah like at this point literally everyone here has seen my dick

 **birdboy:** ;)

 **need4speed:** ;)

 **buckybangs:** we sure have daddy ;)

 **rogerthat:** see?? still an asshole

 

 _1 new chat from_ **rogerthat**

 **rogerthat:** um

 **rogerthat:** so I just wanted to say thanks

 **rogerthat:** for the flight and stuff

 **rogerthat:** I know we fight a lot, but deep down you're a good person

 **rogerthat:** I mean it's hidden under layers of douchiness

 **rogerthat:** you're like an fuckboy onion

 **rogerthat:** and each layer is another level of bourgeois bullshit

 **rogerthat:**  and if you used it in a soup it would taste burnt and expensive

 **rogerthat:** but anyway

 **rogerthat:** what I'm trying to say is that despite our differences, I consider you a friend

 **rogerthat:** and I really appreciate what you did for me and bucky

 **rogerthat:** so… thanks, tony.

 **richbitch:** new phone who dis

 **rogerthat:** YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST OMG

_You can no longer message this user._

 

 _1 new chat from_ **cheekynandos**

 **cheekynandos:** I'm very happy for you and Bucky

 **cheekynandos:** And happy for me that you got your shit together before I had to witness much more of your pining

 **cheekynandos:** BUT GET YOUR SKINNY BUTT TO WORK TODAY PERHAPS??

 **rogerthat:** akl;cskcods sorryyyy

 **rogerthat:** we were napping

 **rogerthat:** he snores like a kitten and I got so mad I had to call my representative about net neutrality to feel normal again

 **rogerthat:** it was infuriatingly cute

 **cheekynandos:** That's adorable.

 **cheekynandos:** Tell me all about it.

 **cheekynandos:** AT WORK

 **rogerthat:** adkls;a'jdienf i'm on my way

 

 _You have entered the group_ **stop making out in the kitchen**

 **rogerthat:** I think changing the chat name to send a message to two people is a bit much.

 **falconrulz69:** I'll respect that when I don't see you getting frisky up against my tupperware.

 **birdboy:** i'm crying at this whole exchange wtf

 **birdboy:** we truly have no boundaries left

 **buckybangs:** kitchen sex: the final frontier

 **falconrulz69:** ABSOLUTELY NOT

 **rogerthat:** to be fair, your tupperware was in the cabinet

 **falconrulz69:** that your ass was pressed up against!!!

 **rogerthat:** ASS PARTICLES CAN'T TRAVEL THROUGH WOOD SAM

 **buckybangs:** what did i marry into

 **thorny** _has entered the group._

 **thorny:** HELLO FRIENDS WHAT ARE OUR BEVERAGES DOING

 **buckybangs:** it's a good thing you're hot because thor. pls.

 **buckybangs:** like i would happily exfoliate with your ass but learn gayspeak if ur gonna use it

 **rogerthat:** um???

 **buckybangs:** did i lie tho

 **birdboy:** look we'd all do sexually deviant things to thor

 **thorny:** :)

 **birdboy:** but pietro just brought his little brother loki over and I gotta say

 **falconrulz69:** who named these children???

 **birdboy:** idk how these mfs are related

 **birdboy:** like if u drew a diagram of a scale from str8 acting jock to twink they'd be at opposite ends

 **rogerthat:** I resent the term straight acting

 **buckybangs:** yeah like what kinda stereotype reinforcement

 **rogerthat:** don't get me started on that no fats no femmes shit. grindr can choke

 **buckybangs:** ^^^^

 **falconrulz69:** omg they've started to discourse together

 **falconrulz69:** brb going to nat's forever

 **birdboy:** anyway

 **birdboy:** ima add this hoe in because he's deviant af and we should absorb him

 _You have added_ **lowkey** _to the group._

 **birdboy:** why tf is ur username lowkey when ur highkey extra as fuck

 **lowkey:** I like to maintain the element of surprise

 **birdboy:** guys this mf is like, The Most

 **birdboy:** like i legit think he's more of a hoe than barnes

 **buckybangs:** um excuse u i won't stand for this slander

 **buckybangs:** i'm the most deviant of us all

 **buckybangs:** even tho nat is secretly kinky af and deserves special mention

 **spyder:** :)

 **rogerthat:** is it really a secret

 **spyder:** ;)

 **birdboy:** LOKI HAS A SUGAR DADDY HE LITERALLY CALLED MASTER ON THE PHONE IN A ROOM WITH PEOPLE HE JUST MET

 **birdboy:** AND HIS BROTHER

 **lowkey:** I give titles their proper respect

 **buckybangs:** omg let's be friends

 **lowkey:** always happy to share my powers with lesser mortals

 **rogerthat:** don't call my bf lesser

 **buckybangs:** thx bb

 **falconrulz69:** i'm actively vomiting

 **rogerthat:** but also omg clint you weren't kidding I think this dude is more extra than me

 **lowkey:** I put a lot of effort into maintaining my personal brand

 **lowkey:** if I find a challenger to my throne I have to either befriend them and steal their secrets or slay them in combat

 **spyder:** don't you do drag makeup on IG

 **lowkey:** sponsored by NYX cosmetics, yes

 **buckybangs:** i highkey love this

 **birdboy:** also @thor

 **birdboy:** how does your brother speak better english than u

 **thorny:** HE IS

 **thorny:** HOW DO YOU SAY

 **thorny:** A LITTLE BITCH

 **buckybangs:** i'm fuckign deceased

 **lowkey:** uh not to be That Guy but I'm technically not a brother

 **birdboy:** oh worm

 **birdboy:** what pronouns my bud

 **lowkey:** he or they is fine, I'm fluid

 **buckybangs:** i love meeting other extra af nb people

 **buckybangs:** can we have a secret handshake

 **lowkey:** can we bang

 **buckybangs:** ;)

 **rogerthat** _has left the group._

 _You have added_ **rogerthat** _to the group._

 **buckybangs:** I WAS JOKING OMG

 **rogerthat**   _has left the group._

 **birdboy:** u knew what u were getting into tbf

 **lowkey:** I… I think that was actually more extra than me

 **buckybangs:** i'm crying i have regrets

 

 _1 new chat from_ **buckybangs**

 **buckybangs:** steeb

 **buckybangs:** steeb

 **buckybangs:** STEVE DON'T BE MAD I'M SORRY I WAS KIDDING

 **rogerthat:** excuse me for assuming that being in a relationship would mean you don't actively try and fuck other people in front of me.

 **buckybangs:** omg

 **buckybangs:** are you really gonna

 **buckybangs:** first of all, i don't wanna sleep with loki's ass so jot that down

 **buckybangs:** who the fuck would even top it would be a disaster

 **buckybangs:** second of all, you absolutely knew i was kidding, don't trip

 **buckybangs:** thirdly, you know i flirt with people

 **buckybangs:** it's kind of My Brand

 **rogerthat:** well maybe it shouldn't be.

 **buckybangs:** omg are you really gonna do this

 **rogerthat:** do what? have reasonable expectations about a relationship?

 **buckybangs:** you knew what i was like before you started dating me

 **buckybangs:** and maybe it's not something i can turn off

 **buckybangs:** because of all the sexual trauma

 **buckybangs:** yknow, all that stuff that makes me a #mess

 **buckybangs:** that i just spent a month in therapy burying again

 **buckybangs:** that i find it nearly impossible to talk about but i already tried to explain to you because i wanted you to know what you were getting into

 **buckybangs:** that apparently either you weren't listening to or i sucked at explaining

 **rogerthat:** oh

 **buckybangs:** i'm not gonna fuck other people if you don't want me to

 **buckybangs:** but you finding reasons to get offended when you know i can't turn this shit off is bullshit

 **buckybangs:** you think i want to be like this? you think i don't feel like shit about it?

 **rogerthat:** buck I'm sorry

 **rogerthat:** I didn't realise

 **buckybangs:** it's fine.

 **buckybangs:** i'm gonna go out, i used up all my srs for the day

 **rogerthat:** you want me to come with?

_You can no longer message this user._

 

 _1 new chat from_ **birdboy**

 **birdboy:** um so i woke up to your bf's drunk ass burning holes in himself and my couch

 **birdboy:** u wanna come get him or

 **rogerthat:** dammit bucky

 **rogerthat:** I'm on my way

 **birdboy:** also idk what happened

 **birdboy:** and i love u with my whole gay heart

 **birdboy:** but it's my brotherly duty to tell u that if you hurt him

 **birdboy:** i'm gonna break you.

 **rogerthat:** it was a misunderstanding!!!

 **birdboy:** then un misunderstand it

 **birdboy:** i can't be a dad friend steve i don't have the resources

 **birdboy:** fix your shit

_You can no longer message this user._


	9. How Does One Meme?

_ You have entered the group  _ **buzzfeed unsolved is gay culture**

**buckybangs:** yo

**spyder:** blocked.

**buckybangs:** OMG I'M TRYING TO ADULT CAN U JUST

**spyder:** you're trying to adult and you opened with 'yo'

**buckybangs:** i didn't say i was successful

**buckybangs:** anyway

**buckybangs:** PSA i'm trying not to hit on people so like

**buckybangs:** if you could squirt water at me or something when i do 

**buckybangs:** i'd also accept being hit with a rolled up newspaper

**buckybangs:** that would be good

**spyder:** kinky

**need4speed:** what is happening

**falconrulz69:** did steve finally tame the beast??

**birdboy:** *muffled whipping noises in the distance*

**rogerthat:** HE IS MAKING A GROWN UP EFFORT TO MAINTAIN A GROWN UP RELATIONSHIP

**rogerthat:** DO NOT DRAG HIM

**birdboy:** this morning i saw u simultaneously eating cereal out of the same bowl because u didn't want to wash 2

**birdboy:** where is the grown up

**rogerthat:** um actually not washing up as much saves the planet so

**rogerthat:** get woke

**buckybangs:** look it's not #srs

**buckybangs:** it's nbd

**buckybangs:** i'm just trying to break a habit of flirting when i'm uncomfortable is all

**falconrulz69:** you literally always flirt??

**buckybangs:** i'm literally always (finger guns) uncomfortable, my guy

**birdboy:** tag urself i'm the finger guns

**buckybangs:** anyway it'll never go away completely i'm just trying to cut down

**buckybangs:** sam is still daddy ;)

**falconrulz69:** can we make that part of the not flirting 

**rogerthat:** I'll allow it

**spyder:** cosigned

**falconrulz69:** omg???

**buckybangs:** i won't hit on u if u don't want me to

**buckybangs:** in this house, we fetishise consent 

**falconrulz69:** nah it's ok I don't actually gaf

**buckybangs:** good to know ;)

**falconrulz69:** I lied I'm moving to canada

**buckybangs:** save a moose ride a mountie ;)

**falconrulz69:** do you have a book of these or??

**rogerthat:** omg did anyone ever watch that mountie show due south

**rogerthat:** because that was a Gay Awakening for me

**buckybangs:** benton fraser is daddy tbh

**spyder:** you think everyone is daddy??

**buckybangs:** yeah but he gave me a uniform kink

**birdboy:** alright this is all very touching but who wants to come smoke

**birdboy:** bruce hooked me up with some insane shit

**buckybangs:** its true i'm already baked

**need4speed:** yes please but can u get me out of attic first 

**need4speed:** i fell asleep up here and now lost the floordoor

**need4speed:** is very dark 

**birdboy:** ……..i have so many questions

**rogerthat:** we don't have an attic??

**need4speed:** …….i must go.

**buckybangs:** i'm nfuckifg yelling wtfff

**birdboy:** barnes is in tears pietro wtf did u do????

**falconrulz69:** what is even happening in this chat

**redwitch:** I will rescue my idiot brother

**redwitch:** turn your gps on

**redwitch:** pietro ffs

**buckybangs:** i think he disappeared into the void

**birdboy:** RIP

  
  
  


_ You have entered the group  _ **dumb queers**

**birdboy:** laybees and gentlethem

**birdboy:** I'M HAVIGN A GAY CRISIS 

**spyder:** how could you possibly be having a gay crisis as the gayest of us all

**buckybangs:** ummmm???

**rogerthat:** can I point out that while I resent gay being used as an umbrella term for the queer spectrum, I find it funny af in some contexts

**buckybangs:** do u have emotions outside resentment jw

**rogerthat:** I mean…… there's always rage

**birdboy:** NO LISTEN

**birdboy:** TO MY CRISISS

**birdboy:** u know how i bailed on that DnD game because anxiety and never even met like half the group

**buckybangs:** was this the one where your archer had great accuracy but no dexterity so you would've just fallen off shit the entire time

**birdboy:** omg i hate forgetting u are also a nerd

**birdboy:** BUT YES THAT ONE

**birdboy:** ANYWAY

**birdboy:** so i'm tryna go see my goddamn academic advisor and all the buses are cancelled fsr

**birdboy:** because like, weather or some shit

**rogerthat:** it is literally a blizzard out there??

**birdboy:** did i ask the cis for their logic. 

**rogerthat:** ajsali I'm getting an important email I have to leave

**birdboy:** so anyway my queer ass is sitting here in this janky bus station

**birdboy:** and i realise after a min or 2 that the dude sitting like two seats away… i know him

**spyder:** eyeemoji.gif

**birdboy:** EXCEPT

**birdboy:** HE'S PART OF THAT FUCKING GAME AND I NEVER MET HIM

**birdboy:** I ONLY KNOW HIM FROM THE FBOOK CHAT

**buckybangs:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!

**falconrulz69:** who the fuck uses facebook now

**birdboy:** OMG NONE OF YOU ARE HELPFUL

**birdboy:** so anyway i'm sitting there like…... wtf i'm not gonna say anything

**birdboy:** because i'm pretty sure he doesn't recognise me

**birdboy:** and like……… i don't wanna TALK to people like face to face

**buckybangs:** i'm screamnign sdkllsa;

**buckybangs:** why are we all so awk omg

**birdboy:** and THEN

**birdboy:** some other random lil twink comes and sits in the same corner with us

**birdboy:** blasting years and years out his headphones

**rogerthat:** deep cut

**birdboy:** and i'm like… are we making a gay corner

**buckybangs:** OMG U WERE FLOCKING

**buckybangs:** A LITERAL FLOCK OF QUEERS

**rogerthat:** I'm legit about to make popcorn this is turning into a saga for the ages

**rogerthat:** clint you garbage human

**birdboy:** so we're sitting there: my trans ass, mr gay nerd in the corner with his fucking manga, twink #2 bopping away to himself

**birdboy:** and then i realise i know the twink guy from like… idk the lgbt soc?? but only by sight i don't KNOW him

**birdboy:** so long story short the 3 of us spent 30min in a bus station avoiding eye contact so we didn't have to acknowledge that we recognised each other and talk 

**spyder:** oh my god clint.

**falconrulz69:** I'm fucking HOWLING wtf

**buckybangs:** THIS IS PEAK GAY CULTURE

**rogerthat:** I mean……. yeah this is the epitome of gay culture

**rogerthat:** let's sit together for safety in numbers…… but let's not talk

**falconrulz69:** as like a heteroflexible mf I gotta say this is also millennial culture

**buckybangs:** it's ok sam ur under our queer umbrella 

**buckybangs:** ur #valid

**birdboy:** SO ANYWAY I'M GONNA JUMP OUT THE WINDOW BYE

**birdboy:** SO LONG FRIENDS IT'S BEEN REAL

**birdboy:** GET DRUNK AND BONE ON MY GRAVE

**buckybangs:** can i inherit ur comic books jw

**birdboy:** OMG LET ME DRAMATICALLY DIE IN PEACE

  
  
  


_ You have entered the group  _ **a flock of queers**

**buckybangs:** @sam stop growing your beard or we're gonna have to bang

**buckybangs:** damn

**spyder:** I know right

**spyder:** stay mad ;)

**falconrulz69:** ummm???

**buckybangs:** you're so beautiful your face hurts me

**buckybangs:** i am physically pained by the need for beard burn on my ass rn

**need4speed:** i would also like the chafe

**birdboy:** gettin real graphic up in the group chat today 

**rogerthat:** umm

**buckybangs:** oh yeah

**buckybangs:** sorry, my bad

**birdboy:** omg i forgot we're not allowed to joke anymore

**rogerthat:** fuck off clint

**spyder:** chill steve, we were only kidding

**buckybangs:** guys he's right?? leave him alone??

**rogerthat** _ has left the group. _

**buckybangs:** thanks assholes

  
  
  


_ 1 new chat from  _ **buckybangs**

**buckybangs:** are u mad

**rogerthat:** not at you

**rogerthat:** I dunno where I've got this fucking killjoy reputation from

**rogerthat:** like yeah ok I'm not as ~wild as some of you but like neither is sam or nat

**rogerthat:** we agreed about you not hitting on people as much because it's destructive for you

**buckybangs:** and also because you don't like it

**buckybangs:** it's ok to ask your bf to work on something just bc you don't like it

**rogerthat:** apparently not

**buckybangs:** look i'll talk to them

**buckybangs:** but also

**buckybangs:** you do flounce easily, you are extra af about things you don't like, and you can be vocally judgemental

**buckybangs:** i love you but that stuff might look different to other people yknow?

**buckybangs:** 2 way street etc

**rogerthat:** first of all, you're secretly very emotionally literate for a guy who pretends to have an IQ of 4

**buckybangs:** i've been to Way Too Much Therapy my guy

**rogerthat:** secondly, did you just tell me you love me for the first time while dragging me to hell and back?

**buckybangs:** …………..i must go.

**rogerthat:** don't pietro on me!!!

_ You can no longer message this user. _

  
  
  


_ 1 new message from  _ **falconrulz69**

**falconrulz69:** wanda wants to know if you're still in the void?

**need4speed:** is nice up here

**need4speed:** bruce brought brownies an dvd

**falconrulz69:** …...so at least one rational human knows where you are

**need4speed:** we are watch shrek 2

**need4speed** _sent an image:_ **thatlldodonkey.jpg**

****

**need4speed:** tfw u suck a ogre dick

**falconrulz69:** YALL ARE NASTY

**falconrulz69:** STAY IN THE VOID!!!

_ You can no longer message this user. _

  
  
  


_ You have entered the group  _ **everyone but steve**

**buckybangs:** yo.

**spyder:** banned

**buckybangs:** no. stop.

**buckybangs:** i'm not playing.

**birdboy:** wtf

**buckybangs:** stop blaming steve whenever we have some kinda argument. 

**birdboy:** dude it was literally just a stupid joke

**buckybangs:** i'm not just talking about that

**buckybangs:** i mean about last week with the dumb loki bullshit as well, and when i went to the ER

**buckybangs:** look i have issues but i'm not a ~smol bean who needs to be #protected at all costs.

**buckybangs:** i'm a hard person to deal with and steve does his goddamn best

**buckybangs:** he puts up with a lot of shit and doesn't complain about it.

**buckybangs:** ….much

**buckybangs:** so stop dragging him for it maybe??

**birdboy:** i mean…

**birdboy:** sorry? i didn't realise we did that?

**spyder:** I guess it's easy to skew one way or another when one of you is more… volatile 

**buckybangs:** you can say fucked up

**spyder:** well I was gonna be polite but

**birdboy:** when have u ever been polite

**falconrulz69:** you're right, we do dogpile on steve sometimes

**falconrulz69:** it's just hard to say to one half of a couple 'look what your mental illness did', y'know?

**buckybangs:** i know, and i get it

**buckybangs:** just… you can call me out, okay? it's not steve's fault all the time

**buckybangs:** like if me and him have a fight and i hurt myself, that's not on him

**buckybangs:** maybe be nice? he's got his own shit going on?

**buckybangs:** just. okay?

**falconrulz69:** yeah, okay

**buckybangs:** okay

**birdboy:** it's like that one john green book in here

**spyder:** can you ever be serious

**birdboy:** nah

**birdboy:** but we hear u buck 

**buckybangs:** ok good

**buckybangs:** thank u for coming to my ted talk

**buckybangs:** i'm gonna go back to pretending not to have feelings now

**buckybangs:** and spend like at least a day worrying about whether u all hate me

**buckybangs:** love u bye

**buckybangs** _ has left the group. _

**falconrulz69:** just when I thought we reached peak mess

**thorny:** I FEEL I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THIS CHAT EARLIER

**spyder:** have you been in here this whole time??

**thorny:** TWAS AN INVOLUNTARY LURK

**birdboy:** omg

**birdboy:** i can feel a new meme coming on

**spyder, falconrulz69, need4speed,** _and_ **redwitch** _have left the group._

**thorny:** TELL ME MORE OF THIS MEMEING

**thorny:** HOW DOES ONE MEME

**birdboy:** ….just like that, buddy. just like that.


End file.
